quiet snowfall, murmuring mind

I am a bit sad at the moment. The snow is so pretty, and I miss my snow-player, if not my snow-fighter.

But when I think back, he may have seen the gulf between us as insurmountable.

For those who dont' read my "other" journal, my ex and I liked to run around in the snow, especially late when it was quiet quiet quiet....He wouldn't have a snowball fight with me, though. He saw it as too competitive. I tried to let it go, took his hand, quieted my frustration, and built snow faces on trees instead, which we liked lots. We looked pretty and snowy and happy.

I knew we were different. Jeez, it was just a snowball fight, or so I thought. Maybe it went far deeper than I ever imagined.

Still.

Tonight at midnight or so, it will be still, quiet, except for the few cars spinning their tires on the underplowed streets. And our paths will be little plowed, not until it slows down, which it won't for a while....and believe me, at 1230 or so, I would want desperately to meet someone downstairs and play. But I won't.

Still.

I miss some things. This is one of them.

*****

I am actively resisting the idea of being in love, for many reasons. Necessity being one of them. Sanity, another. Puzzlement is a surprising third. At times, I wonder, what's it like? There's that whole love/infatuation thing. And, I don't remember being in love since I've spent so much time falling out of it. Was I in it? Can you control how you feel? You can control your behavior, your actions, yes. Can you read minds? I'm having enough trouble reading my own. Hell, I'm having enough trouble reading the Times every weekend.

Love, in love, love ya, I love you.......

I'd love some ginger tea right about now. That's as far as it can go.