Casual conversation with my grandmother (and neighbor) this morning about my late neighbor:

"Oh there's been about three (jumpers) from this building I think...two from (your aunt's) building...and of course (family friend's) sister..."

Wow. I did not know that.

For those who don't know I live in a 21-story building in a complex of 16-21 story buildings in a neighborhood of four-story tenements. We stand out.



My neighbor down the hall committed suicide this morning.

Mrs. "A" was a lovely Chinese woman with a sweet husband; I'd say she was over fifty but under seventy if that makes any sense (I'm a terrible judge of age). I'd see her shopping, coming back with stuff in orange bags from Chinatown or big bulk packages from some suburban shopping club. A very sweet lady.

Once, she asked me where my (ex) husband was and I told her that he'd moved out. She nodded, and said, with little hesitation, "Men...they're trouble."

I realized I hadn't seen her for a while; I didn't realize it actually until my next-door neighbor, in his fake-tan glory, grabbed my shoulder and whispered "This is terrible...Mrs. A jumped out the window...her son is here, this is terrible...I just wanted you to know, she was sick, cancer, kidneys" and then rushed into the elevator shaking his head as I stood stunned in our 16th floor hallway.

Poor Mrs. A. Poor Mr. A. and their son.

Our building is a murder weapon; an instrument of death. Our home - her home - was the last place she saw before flying away.

I didn't walk through the backyard where she must have fallen. I may, later.



Here, go play a game. Go!


Smirk is not, to my knowledge, derived from "smile of mockery." But I almost convinced my Esteemed Coworker that it was true. Sounds good, doesn't it?



In other news,

European Patent Attorneys - Not Funny Either.

True or False?

"Smirk" is short for "smile of mockery."

Answer to be revealed in a later post!


a few things

there's a certain happiness that comes from seeing others happy. and a certain happiness in anticipation. and in stretching. and in appreciation. and in sweet things. and in pink shorts. and hands. pillows. hair in your face. sleeping embrace. freedom.


No fair!

Why do I have to have something in common with Dick "Dick" Cheney?

I'd never wish blood clots on ANYONE. (Discomfort? Ha!)

Does this mean I'm having sympathy for Dick?



I'm so tired.

I've been having terribly vivid dreams lately. Last night I even had an improvisor dream, the first in awhile.

All I remember is being in an elevator (yes) with a bunch of male improvisors. Improv Guy 1 had an incredibly large mouth and was showing it off. Improv Guy 2 (didn't look like a local but more like Bobby Lee of Mad TV) had an incredibly long tongue and was showing it off. Improv Guys 3 and 4 were stroking each other's exposed privates, which were impressive. There were a few neighbors in the elevator, short and indifferent.

After exiting the elevator I was walking across 4th Street with a large backpack. Improv Guy 3 grabbed me by the shoulder, surprising me. He told me he missed me. We looked up at the tall buildings on my block, which were covered in scaffolding and white sheeting, and laughed and laughed.

I don't get it.

Remind me to tell you about the dreams of trains in tunnels.


on a lighter note....

What's the deal with corduroys? Fit fine a little wide in the leg when I put them on but by the end of the night...saggy butt city. What gives?


Repeat after me:

"You are not a bad person."

I feel terrible about something that's entirely not my fault. But I can easily figure out how to make it so.

I'm still upset and can't shake it. Not even with some Crown Royal over ice.

Throw me a kiss...that will slam some sense into me

If I were on the Dating Game, I'd have run off with the camera man by now.


For thought (not just for the ladies)

Via Kristina's blog...I found this article on something termed "gray rape," more or less referring to impaired judgment in social/sexual situations and including (but apparently broader than) the concept of acquaintance rape.

Definitely thought-provoking.

In therapy recently, I was told that I don't share my feelings easily. I've had this confirmed by a personal friend or two.

I'm never really sure what I share, whether they be feelings, thoughts, emotions or behaviours.

I will say, though, something like this has happened to me. Perhaps, in different ways, even more than once.

I'm not sure I feel like discussing it here, though. I did ramble on about it in therapy a bit, recently, which is why I'm bringing it up; with my curious lack of affect that I take to be logic/successful processing of all things like this. Until they explode in some other direction.

I don't like affecting other people with my "feelings," but I don't mind listening to others.

Call me whacky. Or closed-off, or lacking in trust. That's just me, for now.


Speaking of books...

VideoHound 100 Dumbest Movies of All Time

Benchley at the Theater - Dramatic Criticism

...the ones on my coffee table probably give a pretty good idea of my personality overall.

Shopping is Fun!

Stuff I bought this weekend:

2 wig heads
2 tie-on bandannas (1 camo, 1 American flag)
2 pairs cheap stockings
1 pair red satin gloves
4 packs temporary tattoos
1 book about "stupid" funny movies
1 play ("Parallel Lives")
1 book about corsetry
3 cans (1 large, 2 small) of paint and painting accessories
3 boxes light bulbs
1/2 lb sugar-coated peanuts
1/2 lb yogurt-covered pretzels for my work buddy

Yeah, yeah....I should post this

It's awesome! It's just weird to see myself on film!

The Man who Loved Lesbians


I'm fascinated by girls with guns lately...

and apparently, with youtube.

- "gunslinger girl"

There are some prints on my wall, too, by an artist I saw at Union Square whose name I forget. I may have to scan them just to complete the theme. But it's way frickin late right now.

personal project...

This isn't the precise scene I was looking for.

I'd have been asleep sooner, if the last half hour of "sex lies & videotape" hadn't appeared on IFC. One of my favorite films, for so many reasons.


Dear Anonymous*,


How are you? I'm fine. Boy, you must be busy. I know the semester's well underway, you've got gigs, and you've got a neat new lady friend, so I guess it's understandable. But I do miss your insightful and knowing commentary!

If it's just a matter of not having the time to make up cute aliases that I always recognize, don't worry! I'll still know it's you. Heck, I can't even keep track of all of them, even the one I gave you! Maybe you can just use a series of numbers from random.org (I'd definitely know that was you!)

Kendra from the Girls Next Door**

*not all anonymi, just a particular one
** You will totally not get that but another Anonymous Commentator will!

I may buy this t-shirt

Whaddaya think? C'est moi?*

Courtesy of glarkware.

*now that I remember it, that was the name of the card/gift/balloon/tcotchke/tshirt shop I used to work in when I was scuttling my MD/PhD program.


Sponsor me in AIDS Walk!

I've never actually done a walkathon before. Volunteered, sure. But never walked.

Maybe NOW I'll go to the gym before I look like the idiot who couldn't finish a #@%T@ walkathon.

Donate money!

I'm trying to raise $1000. Go big or go home, baby. Every little bit helps! Send this around!


That's just the way it is.

About twelve years ago, I sat up way too late, alone in my apartment in the Bronx, and watched "Goodfellas." I didn't move. I couldn't sleep, afterwards.

Tonight, I sat up way too late, alone in my apartment in Manhattan, and watched "The Departed." I didn't move. I couldn't sleep, afterwards.


Ideas 3-D: Projects I Will Consider/Commence in the Next Five Minutes in No Particular Order

Buying pillows
Visiting the ladies room
Blowing my nose
Contemplating my cell phone message indicator light
Highly important legal work

Ideas II: Writing Projects Yet to Come, Conceived after a Tumbler of Whiskey

Smoking is Hot, There, I Said It
Dating the Foreigner
Knot Tying: Fiction or Reality?
Cheese is Not Overrated
What can Brown Do for You? A Whiskey Primer
Who Not to Drunk Dial
What your Screen Name Says about You
Eyebrows: A Grooming Imperative
They're Not Just Roommates, and That's OK
I Won't Sleep till I Get New Pillows.
This is Silly.
Road Trip! Tasers and Crabs!