Hi, I have a boyfriend.

Did you know that?

I feel like I'm slowly emerging from the long-distance relationship closet, now that there may be a plan in place to make it not so.

I wonder if the people who may be vaguely intrigued by this will find it.

Nah.

He's tall, dark and goofy. I love him lots. He really exists, and owns lots of shoes. He likes my cooking and thinks I'm adorable. He is capable of cheering me up against my will. Turn-ons: leggy dames, video games, pastrami on rye (Sorry for the lack of a third rhyme.) Turn-offs: rare steak, polo shirts, lack of leg room. (Given up on rhymes). And more! He likes stuff I do (flea markets, otters, being goofy) and he likes stuff I'm not into (strategy games, comic cons, drawing). He has an unmistakably awesome laugh. He willingly accepts comedy foisted upon him. He likes giving random presents. He has the capacity to surprise me.

Anyway, that's him in a bloggy nutshell.

Hugs!

Work it.

In this scene a gentlemen of my acquaintance and I were discussing my body. He was caressing my shoulder and was duly impressed with my incipient toning. An overly analytical discussion followed; in that, he felt that his favorable impression was 90% due to the fact that I was becoming better, stronger and healthier, and 10% was due to the fact that deep down, he believed that somehow I was doing it for him, and that was incredibly sexy.

Oddly, we were both wearing red T-shirts. Really nice dark red T-shirts.

Apparently I'm having a series of short, intense dreams with handsome-man commentary (see "Tim Gunn" earlier).

Love stinx.

It's the most wonderful time of the year.....

Sigh, Western Style

Tales from the Pioneer Woman

TOP Top Chef

Le Sigh.

News you can use

From Gawker.

Bleah. Shouldn't have read it during my lovely Chipotle lunch.

(As the doctor in Bloom County said to Steve Dallas after his tragic flammable-mascara accident, "Smooth chested men leave me clammy.")

Mornin' thinkin'

If someone makes you feel smarter, cuter and funnier than you sometimes feel about yourself, odds are you're going to want to keep them around. Right? Huh? Well?

Even if it freaks you out a bit.

Oh, and -

"If you're not fully emotionally available...be fucking celibate. Jerk fucking off.
Stop dating people who still have feelings who can still be hurt."
- Dan Savage, "Savage Love" podcast

I mean, it could be forever. It could be temporary. But, all in all, a good fucking rule to live by.

It's in my head!

I'm currently working in the Being John Malkovich office space. Not that the ceilings on the floor are actually half-height, but the fact that (1) it's adjacent to a construction zone, (2) the floor is 85% uninhabited and 90% dark due to unactivated motion detector switches, (3) it's too quiet and thus just plain eerie, all give it rather a dim and paradoxically cramped feel.

I'm also quite turned on right now, but for completely unrelated reasons.

And this is gross.

In brief

I haven't been able to write about stuff that I've been meaning to - AIDSWalk, the Memorial Day Parade, and Melissa's lovely wedding (just this past weekend).

But working backwards, I can tell you a few things I did at Melissa's wedding weekend (which was allover glorious) that I've never done before: having reiki, drinking 31 year old scotch, learning Magic: The Gathering, eating sausage casserole and gnome cake, meeting a man whose shirts I can wear (kind of like finding the Holy Grail), and visiting Stone Mountain (with the Southern Mount Rushmore). I did not, however, make it to the Waffle House this time south.

Here are the photos.

Now I've got work to do, carry on!

Random hotties

He remembered!!!

"Happy aborted anniversary."
- the actual ex

Sigh. At least I still have the blender and the KitchenAid. They seem to have outlasted.

Done.

Distressed

Repeat after me:

"You are not a bad person."

I feel terrible about something that's entirely not my fault. But I can easily figure out how to make it so.

I'm still upset and can't shake it. Not even with some Crown Royal over ice.

Throw me a kiss...that will slam some sense into me

If I were on the Dating Game, I'd have run off with the camera man by now.

I don't know quite what to make of this, but it's fascinating.

Corset piercing.

Quote of the Day, Kink Division

"I don't know if I'm a bottom because it turns me on...or because I'm lazy....Thos S&M people, they are bossy!"

- Margaret Cho, "Notorious C.H.O."

Is there really a creepy connection between Star Trek, leather sex, and the Renaissance Faire"? Ha!

"I want a woman who looks like John Goodman. Don't Sharon Stone me to death."

- See above

Why didn't someone tell me

...that Nigella Lawson is ridonkolously hot?

I watched her make Triple Chocolate Brownies on the Food network and almost lost my mind. And I'm not even that crazy about brownies. When she described the sad white chocolate bits as "vanilla," which they are, I fell in love. I can't explain it. I wanted to bite down and taste the oozy hot flowy melty chocolate....with a nice glass of milk.

Oh dear. I'm culinarilly gay.

Culinarilly looks supremely dirty, doesn't it?

Mmmmmm!

Follow up

1. Pretzels don't work. You know, they're not even tasty.

[EDITED again because damn, that's bitchy. But pretzels are still SO NOT WORTH IT.]

Edited to point out the fact that while I am not actually a bitch, I can in fact be bitchy. Enjoy the subtlety!

Edited to point out that I haven't gotten very much sleep lately. And I can't afford to lose any of my three readers. I get the feeling that Reader #2 has been keeping up...!

yummy! rub a steak on it...

"Romance to me is fatty and sensual."
- Cliff, "Top Chef"

Tom Colicchio can really be a dick. What a sourpuss! That looked like a lovely dinner. See my new favorite timewaster for great 'cheftestant' nicknames and judge hatin'.

Uh oh....controversy alert! Gotta go.