1. Pretzels don't work. You know, they're not even tasty.
[EDITED again because damn, that's bitchy. But pretzels are still SO NOT WORTH IT.]
Edited to point out the fact that while I am not actually a bitch, I can in fact be bitchy. Enjoy the subtlety!
Edited to point out that I haven't gotten very much sleep lately. And I can't afford to lose any of my three readers. I get the feeling that Reader #2 has been keeping up...!