Having someone tell you that you are incredibly hot is the best appetite suppressant of them all. Not to mention reason to keep your laundry done.

I won't get into random leg hair issues, et al. This is a family blog, after all.


I'm so glad we've had this time together....

Does anyone remember "The Carol Burnett Show?"

This is the sketch comedy I was raised on, with a TV in my room, no less, staying up late on Saturday nights when I was a kid.

These writers and actors were amazing. (Barry Levinson, by the way, was a writer, according to imdb. Did I mention I love imdb? carry on.)

Does anyone know who the fuck could write, act or even put up the Tim Conway Hitler puppet sketch on TV today? Actually before they put that one up on the highlights show, they mentioned that "you never knew what Tim was gonna do next." So I wonder how much of that show was improvised, in the end.

Okay, sometimes the parodies were a little cheesy, but the ones that hit - Love Story, Sunset Boulevard, Gone with the Wind - were classic.

And Harvey Korman breaking up - insanity. The Novocain sketch? Amazing.

I just imdb'd it - it was on from 1967-78. Wow. Since I was born. Tim Conway wasn't on till 1975 - damn. I do remember the show slightly before him.

Yeah, this was a highlights show, so of course it's just the good stuff, but damn...that was good stuff.


It also reminded me, a bit sadly, of my fabulous childhood friend Rob, a pal and worthy teasing adversary since kindergarden through high school, who passed on (the word was) of AIDS in the late 80s. He came one year to the high school Halloween party/dance dressed as Norma Desmond. Complete with rhinestones, black dress, hat, heels, and swinging-tennisball boobs.

Fabulous. So very fabulous. (The next year he came as the Pope. I've got the photos).

MAX! MAX! Yes, Mzzz Desmond?

Hilarity. Joy. This women rocked it hard. (And was swell enough to have a gender-balanced cast. You go, Carol! Wow.)

Mad respect.

The cab scene from "Before Sunset"


You told him where you are and all that?

Oui, oui, yeah.

- So, he knows where he's going?
- Yes.

Let's hope he does. Now, this is better than Metro, right?


I was thinking...For me it's better I don't romanticize things as much anymore. I was suffering so much all the time. I still have lots of dreams, but they're not in regard to my love life. It doesn't make me sad, it's just the way it is.

Is that why you're in a relationship with somebody who's...

never around? Yes, obviously, I can't deal with the day to day life of a relationship. Yeah, we have, you know, this exciting time together and then he leaves and I miss him, but at least I'm not dying inside. When someone is always around me, I'm like suffocating!

No, wait, you just said that you need to love and be loved...

Yeah, but when I do, it quickly makes me nauseous! It's a disaster...I mean, I'm really happy only when I'm on my own. Even being alone...it's better than... sitting next to a lover and feeling lonely. It's not so easy for me to be a romantic. You start off that way, and, after you've been screwed over a few times...You... you forget about all your delusional ideas, and you just take what comes into your life. That's not even true, I haven't been...screwed over, I've just had too many...bla relationship. They weren't mean, they cared for me, but...they were no real...connection, or excitement. At least, not from my side.

God, I'm sorry, is it...Is it really that bad?

It's not, right? You know...it's not even that, I was...I was fine. Until I read your fucking book!

It stirred shit out from you,

It reminded me how...genuinely romantic I was, how I had so much hope in things and...now it's like... I don't believe in anything that relates to love, I don't feel things for people anymore. In a way... I put all my romanticism into that one night and I was never able to feel all this again. Like...somehow this night took things away from me and...I expressed them to you and you took them with you! It made me feel cold, like if love wasn't for me!

I... I don't believe that. I don't believe that.

You know what? Reality and love are almost contradictory for me. It's funny...Every single of my ex-es...they're now married! Man go out with me, we break up, and then they get married! And later they call me to thank me for teaching them what love is, and... that I taught them to care and respect women!

I think I'm one of those guys.

You know, I want to kill them! Why didn't they ask me to marry them? I would have said "No", but at least they could have asked!!! But it's my fault, I know that it's my fault, because...I never felt it was the right man. Never! But what does it mean the right man? The love of your life? The concept is absurd, the idea that we can only be complete with another person is... EVIL! Right?

Can I talk?

You know, I guess I've been heart broken too many times. And then I recovered. So now, you know, form the starts, I make no effort. Because I know exactly what hap...

You can't do that. You can't do that, you can't live your life trying to avoid pain, at the expense of en...

Ok, you know what? Loose our words! I've gotta... I've gotta get away from you...Stop the car, I want to get out!

No, no, no, don't... don't get out...

- You know, it's being around you...
- Keep talking...

Don't touch me!

- You know, I wanna get on a cab...
- Monsieur..Monsieur, aretes vous!


From the "Collected First Lines v. 23"

"You do realize, darling, that holiday suicides are such a cliche," she murmured, disapprovingly, blowing a slender ring of smoke and reaching her well-manicured hand into a cut-glass bowl of mixed nuts. "Why, if you must off yourself, darling, can't you just wait until dreary old February?"


Es la ley.

I love courthouses.

So I go to the clerk's office to file papers today at 60 Centre, the one with the giant marble steps downtown. One of them, I was thinking of other things and I ambled up the steps of 40 Centre, the Federal courthouse instead. Felt like an extra on "Law and Order: Head up the Ass."

Ever been to the Clerk's Office at 60 Centre? It's a wonder of dusty poorly-lit joy. Chipped counters! Men in short-sleeved dress shirts, giving you the silently disapproving clerky eye! ("The stamp is right there, ma'am...) And, oh, the arcana - Giant dusty ledgers! An odd array of purposes (Changing your name? Filing multimillion dollar lawsuits? Come on down!) Peeling auction notices! Although the interesting thing is, some are fairly recent, and sad, but useful in a maudlin way. I wonder if I could've picked up that uptown co-op for an actual, mere, $4,725 (the foreclosure amount.) Damn! If it were only March 25, 2005.

And the Speed Pass rocks. No metal detectors, no searches. No cell phone check. Next time, I'm bringing silverware. Spoons!


And, oh yeah, he cooks.

Anthony Bourdain. Damn.

Tall. Wiry. Strong-featured. Smokes. Wears lots of black. Deeply sarcastic. Not without a ridiculously sensitive side. Kinda likes guns (read the book).

Just woke up weirdly on the couch to "A Cook's Tour" at the Mall of America. Goddamn hilarious watching him completely repulsed by fried batter-dipped cheesecake on a stick.

Oh, also unavailable. Not sure if that increases or decreases his considerable charms.

Sigh. My celebrity crushes are specific and weird.


Please, read this.

If you think you have problems it will make you shut the eff up.

This is a friend who is terribly ill. But continues to kick ass.

Deb's blog

Derivative journal quiz time-killer

Stolen from Sam, stolen from Kristina, stolen from Dunford:

1. Spell your first name backwards: ellehciM

2. Story behind your journal name: It's a variant of a phrase that my friend Janet and I developed to describe something quite different. In other words, a long complicated private joke that means nothing to you.

3. How old are you: 38

4. Where do you live: NY, NY


5. Wallet: Black Fossil leather checkbook wallet, stuffed with business cards, receipts, courtesy cards but rarely money which usually goes in my pockets.

7. Toothbrush: Gray and black Crest bendy ergonomic one. I should get a new one

8. Jewelry worn daily: Platinum diamond engagement ring on the wrong hand.

13. Sunglasses: If I wear contacts, I wear cheap off the street plastic ones. I just busted my $5 oversized '60s ones that I loved.

14. Favorite shirt: Either my black vneck sweater or my LL bean grey and green mens flannel.

16. CD in stereo right now: Booty Olympics "Boystyle"

17. Piercings: Two in each ear.

18. What you are wearing now: Above-mentioned LL Bean grey and green mens flannel shirt. Striped high cut briefs.

19. Wishing: I could get off my ass and my projects and problems would magically disappear.

20. Wanting: Elves. Lots and lots of elves.

21. After this: getting off my ass. taking meds. maybe cereal.

22. If you could get away with it and murder anyone who would it be? Can't abide murder, unless someone hurt a friend or family member I would kill to defend them.

23. Persons you wish you could see right now: Hmm, there's a few.

25. Something you're looking forward to in the coming week: My friend Mike is coming to town.

26. The last thing you ate: Last night i had hot and sour soup.

27. Something you are moderately afraid of: Moderately? Uncertainty.

31. Do you believe in love? Yes, much to my detriment.

32. Do you believe in soul mates? Goddamn, I hate that word.

33. Do you believe in love at first sight? I'm not sure that's love, but it's something.

35. Do you believe in God? I don't know, really.

38. What is the longest you've ever watched TV? Oh, dear, mindless marathons have trapped me...

44. Who is someone that you really wish was still around? My great-aunt.


45. Who are your best friends? I have a few. Not all of them are geographically close. Some are moving farther away, and that's bumming me out.

46. How many people have you kissed? There's kissing and then there's kissing.

47. Would you be in a long distance relationship? Oy vey. Perhaps. I like space.

48. Still have feelings for anyone you've been in a past relationship with? Oh of course, who doesn't? Although at least one ex says I don't have nearly enough; he tends to hang on to nearly everyone in some form or another, I really don't.

49. Do you know what it feels like to be in love? I'm pretty sure I do, but recent life events have caused me to wonder. Shit happens. But yes, I think I do.

50. Would you sacrifice your favorite possession for your best friends? Of course.


51. Where is your favorite place to shop? J. Jill catalog.

52. Have any tattoos? No.

61. Do you do drugs? Rarely do I do illegal drugs.

64. What are you listening to right now? Oddly nothing, although Foreigner's "I want to know what love is" is going through my head right now.

65. Who was the last person that called you? My friend Mike about his travel plans for this week.

66. Where do you want to get married? Vegas, drunk. Ha! Of course I am still technically married right now.

68. What would you change about yourself? Be less angry at myself and more focused on positive changes in my life.

69. What are essentials in your life? Cash, family, friends, Internet, carbonated water.


71. Hair: longish, curlyish, dark brown, messy

72. make-up: None. I haven't showered yet.

73. music: Maudlin shit. Just put on Steve Earle.

74. mood: tense

75. State of Being: uncertain


Loser of the day

I have, through various technical mishaps, electronic tomfoolery, poor judgment, conducting business with people who've never known my home phone number, long-distance intoxication, and other forms of idiocy, paid the world's largest mobile phone bill.

At least I hope so. I used a charge card that may or may not be current.


Greek of the Week!

My awesomely cool friend Chris Bonanos (old college buddy, high-powered magazine editor, outstanding pastry chef, and sweet sweet dresser, among many other things) has published a cool book about all things Greek.

Go, get your copy now. Suitable for all your Greek friends, relatives and diner owners!



Take another listen, Kermie.

There's really a touch of skepticism about this song. Skepticism and hope. But both.

The Rainbow Connection
(sing along with Kermit)

Why are there so many songs about rainbows
And what's on the other side?
Rainbows are visions, but only illusions,
And rainbows have nothing to hide.
So we've been told and some choose to believe it
I know they're wrong, wait and see.
Someday we'll find it, the rainbow connection,
The lovers, the dreamers and me.
Who said that every wish would be heard and answered
When wished on the morning star?
Somebody thought of that, and someone believed it,
And look what it's done so far.
What's so amazing that keeps us stargazing
And what do we think we might see?
Someday we'll find it, the rainbow connection,
The lovers, the dreamers, and me.
All of us under its spell,
We know that it's probably magic...
... Have you been half asleep? And have you heard voices? I've heard them calling my name.
... Is this the sweet sound that calls the young sailors?
The voice might be one and the same
I've heard it too many times to ignore it
It's something that I'm s'posed to be...
Someday we'll find it, the rainbow connection,
The lovers, the dreamers, and me.

Laa, da daa dee da daa daa,
La laa la la laa dee daa doo...

(I do not know how to upload mp3 files, anybody?)


People are leaving.

So I was trying to organize my photos (I'm no better with albums, believe me, and iPhoto blows. Anyone who has better software, let me know, but I guess iPhoto is it. and I'm fortunate that I duplicated efforts, cause all my iPhoto-only photos, the got eaten in the hard-drive disaster.) Anyway, I found photos of my "not-a-versary" party (which is dangerously close to my clot-a-versary, a date I still can't well acknowledge). Came across this photo, which kind of pulls together a lot of themes herein:

This is gonna be one of those ramblin' posts, can't you tell?

The blonde lady in the middle is my buddy Correne, a lawyer (Or as she says, FORMER lawyer) and super comic who's going to LA to Make It After All. She's been a good friend and wonderful partner in crime and I'm going to miss her like mad. I admire her guts and wish her the best and also deep down am feeling shit she's going. And loved singing fucking Madonna songs with her!

The lady with the long locks off to the side is my buddy Christina, or my "Scorpion super clot sister" who I also love to death. We have far too much in common, besides being hilarious (dear Lord, is she hilarious!). She's way hotter stuff than I am, and has a far better wig collection, of which I have often availed myself. And I belted out some killer ABBA with her. We do not spend enough time together, and we should.

You gotta treasure people. You do.


Words to live by, Or die by.

No, nothing I ever do is good enough. Not beautiful enough, it's not funny enough, it's not deep enough, it's not anything enough. Now, when I see a rose, that's perfect. I mean, that's perfect. I want to look up to God and say, "How the hell did you do that? And why the hell can't I do that?"

- "All that Jazz"


Want to be in this show?

Holiday Cheer! Secret Santa! Stand Up Comedy!

Be a part of the First Annual "Office Party" Stand Up Comedy Contest at the Laugh Lounge
Tuesday December 20th @ 830 PM

Far better than your day job Holiday Festivities!
This show is for all you hilarious hapless professionals who've tossed back one too many cups of sugary eggnog and photocopied one random object too many ....

You need not be an experienced comic to enter!
You need to bring along at least six friends/colleagues and have five minutes worth of material.

You will get to perform up on stage at the Lower East Side's finest comedy venue along side seasoned pros and in front of club management.

Judging based on originality, stage presence, and audience response.
Fun and awesome holiday prizes will be had. Seriously.

Let me know ASAP whether you are interested in performing - a limited number of spots are available!

Contact me thru this site or email me at doobie77jd AT yahoo DOT com.

Forget it.

I don't really miss him that much. Missing people in general is a sucky waste of time and defies some law of robotics to which I should normally be adhering.


Why I miss him

From: ex@xxxx.com
To: me@xxxx.com
Date: Dec 6, 2005 2:14 PM
Subject: $24 island

Found myself walking on the promenade in Bkln Heights in the snow last night.
Manhattan shared a (big) spot in the harbor with the barges and boats.

(It's just simple shit like this. I should've been on this walk.)


Terms of Endearment. Try turning it off.

SPOILER ALERT: This is the stupidest sappiest post ever.

80s sapfest, yes. Why do they all have that horrible piano music in the background?

But it's one of my 'sucker' movies. If it's on, I must switch to it.

Besides the overarching weepy plot (see also Beaches) and the presence of Debra Winger (see Officer and a Gentleman; shouldn't she have also had the Barbara Hershey role in Beaches? Think about it! Anyhoo...), it's got quirky old-person romance.

Shirley MacLaine just got it on with Jack Nicholson ("the astronaut." Don't you refer to people by their titles and not their names? I do.) Jeff Daniels just got caught cheating on Debra Winger.

And it's not even halfway over. Not even at the mega-sad parts.

I've gotta go.

1250 AM: It's on again.

The Astronaut is a selfish cunt. Then again, so is Aurora.

Aurora and Emma:
"I just don't want to fight anymore."
"When do we fight?"

Aurora to Flap:
"One of the nicest qualities about you is that you always recognized your own weaknesses. Don't lose that quality now when you need it the most."

"Who am I if I'm not the man who's failing Emma?"

Flap and Emma:
"God, you're easy to please."
"I'm so glad we're talking, I just am. It just means so much to me..."


I've gotta go.


Michael J. Fox

On Inside the Actors' Studio.

"Can I take 2 minutes?...I've gotta wait for a pill to kick in."

Dear lord. Dead man walking. Beautiful, funny, sweet dead man walking.

On getting sicker and how it makes him 'lucky' -

"To see what I've lost makes me look at what I've gained."