Still want that eggplant parm hero

I'm working overtime, my legs are killing me, got shows and classes, gotta clean the house....and so much more exhausting bullshit I don't need.

The delivery guy is often the pizza chef. Tall, grizzled blondish guy, fortysomething.

Maybe I need a HERO.

Nah. Just a hero.


add message, then mix

1207 AM:

Me: "I got the (divorce) papers in the mail today."
He: "Can I come over and meet the new kitty?"
Me: "Now?"
He: "Yeah...I'm in the subway."
Me: "You'd have to sleep over, that's crazy (etc)"
He: "I'll sleep in the bathtub. I want to meet the kitty. (muttering, repeating, etc.)"

Although the offer of a eggplant parm hero was tempting, I remain solo this evening, albeit a bit hungry.

"Wow..it's got seats!"

I love love love Pimp my Ride! Out of my demographic again, and even more so since I Don't DRIVE. (I also love "Car Talk" - go figure.)

First off, it's the anti-"Sweet Sixteen" - These are people who, dammit, clearly need a damn ride, or a break. I can't imagine being in California, carless. No rich bitches here!

Second, Xzibit is mad adorable. He's got this way of telling you what the sh*t is - how much of a piece of shit your car is, even how over-the-top the millions of video screens or crazy paint jobs are - with an amazing, subtle, near-wink. He's hilarious. I've never heard his music, but he's a hell of a host.

Third, the new garage - GAS - and the garage in general, is a happy fucking place. Like a tricked out Santa's Workshop where ANYTHING can happen. These dudes are hot, quirky, mechanical - and they can do weird shit like sew, paint, install a pottery wheel, for fuck's sake.

Fourth, people are genuinely happy at the end. The mechanical hotties take huge pride in their work; the pimp-ees get a load of free crap in addition to their astounding over the top vehicle. Did you ses the ice-cream truck one? It had a DVR and a robot arm for handing out ice cream. 'Nuff said.

I'm in love. And wonder when the NY edition happens so I can get my brother's disgusting limping Toyota pickup pimped out. I'm thinking lots of monitors, a sweet tape/CD deck (he's scared of the iPod), and a nice cow pattern painted on.

Get Pimp'd!


Rock on.

Meet Goldie.

3 years old, abandoned, adopted from those kitty-rescue people at Petco.

She is currently doing laps around my apartment. I think she hates expensive pet food (thrust into my bewildered hands by Jodie, Kitty godmother). I almost escaped the adoption area, but this girl kitty (no name known) looked so sad and longing in the last cage on the way out. Seriously.

I think she likes me. I've got to go locate her now.

Fear is the mind-killer

WARNING: Upsetting rant ahead.

Yesterday I yelled at a guy for slapping me on the shoulder. Granted, he didn't mean it as an act of aggression, but it was the second time, he was a jerkwad, and my blood is thinner, as my friend DJ Southern Belltower notes, than 'onion juice.' Besides you shouldn't touch anyone, at anytime, really.

The fact is, I am terrified. Terrified.

I went to the hospital last week, because I had a blood clot in my leg. I knew as soon as I felt the pain in my calf, that I was doomed; anxiety set in, fear and anger. Lots and lots of anger.

I was in the hospital five or six days, depending on how you count them, getting my blood thinned, as well as removed from my body in great bruising quantity.

This sucker is still in my body, it is potentially mobile and can yet kill me. At least that is my reasonable belief.

When my lungs got clotted, at least I knew they were already there, safely and surely keeping me from breathing.

Now, I don't know if the shortness of breath and tiredness and achiness are clot-related, hospital-inactivity related, or depression and anxiety-related.

I feel like a fucking ticking time bomb. And I am afraid. And I am furious.

I cannot manifest vulnerability without becoming defensive and angry. And I am very much both right now. I don't know what to eat, drink, whether to stand up or sit down. I don't want companionship but I am terrified to be alone. I don't know who to unload all this to; people get bits and pieces, if they don't get torn to bits and pieces.

Ticking. Time. Bomb.

But I will not stop going to my Delaney class. Because if I dropped dead in the middle of a fantastic, truthful scene, played to the top of my intelligence, I'd consider it a life well spent.

Somebody please read the notes at the funeral.


Did you ever have 'die happy' moments? Moments that you realized, if I died now, got hit by lightening, whatever, I would be content and complete just because of where I am, what I'm doing, who I'm with, or some combination thereof?

I had one with my husband once, listening to a chamber music concert at Temple Emanu-El a few years ago. The music, the setting, the feeling of warmth and happiness, perhaps the notion of being in a spiritual (Reform, sure, but whatever) place made me think that particular thought.

I've had a few more since then; I don't care to share them all.

But I equate being supremely happy with being ready to die. What's wrong with me?

My doctor had me call him today for test results. He hasn't called me back. Fucking compliance.

I am scared to inform my temp agency that working in Newark would be a physical hardship right now. Because, quite frankly, it would be. Usually, I'd play through. I play through pain.

Am I taking care of myself? Or am I just an incredible pussy?


More than anything else, I want to lift weights. I want power.


Apologies once again for you three people who read this thing. It was not a plea for sympathy. Maybe just a little understanding. I don't know. My family doesn't really get it; I don't know what friends to tell. Do you call everyone, say hey I'm not quite dead yet? Email? Is there a card for this? Still haven't figured this out.

Certain People are on my case for not being quick enough to acknowledge sympathy; for crying; for expressing fear; for venting anger. I don't know what to do with them. A fair amount of them are related to me.

But honestly, I don't think anyone can understand, aside from a couple of people who I am eternally grateful for.

I will not cry in public, I am going to drink my coffee and use all the expensive Internet access I just got.

In conclusion, Starbucks can blow me.


stolen from someone who stole it from myspace who probably doesn't even read my blog anymore.

Get more meta (or techno-dull) then that, then call me.


1. My ex is... working right now, one would think.

2. I am listening to... the annoying strains of "Family Guy" from another room.

3. Maybe I should .. go to bed.

4. I love ... my nephew.

5. My bestfriends ...are few and precious.

6. I don't understand ... why I do the things I do.

7. I lost ...several Palm Pilots this year.

8. People say ... Do I care what they say? Oh probably.

10. Love is ... scarey

11. Somewhere, someone is ... jerking off.

12. I will always ... be a little hopelessly in love with a few people.

13. Forever seems ...unlikely

14. I never want ... to say never.

15. My cell phone ... is serviceable and overused.

16. When I wake up in the morning ...I am a grumpy bitch

17. I get annoyed... too much.

18. Parties ... aren't my strong suit unless I am throwing it.

19. My pet is... recently deceased.

20. Kisses are the best when ... I am getting them

21. Today I ...shopped and hosted a fairly succesful show.

22. Tomorrow I will ... catch up on things, if possible, and deal with my blood.

23. I really want ... to go on a long trip.


Subject: 4 things for FUN!!

A) Four jobs I have had in my life:

Social Worker
Lab technician
Card/gift shop assistant

B) Four movies I would watch over and over:
All that Jazz
A Mighty Wind
The Blues Brothers
Bull Durham

C) Four places you have lived:
Bethpage, LI, NY
Baltimore, MD
New York, New York
Bronx, NY

D) Four TV shows you love to watch:
The Wire
Pee-Wee's Playhouse
Project Runway
Real World/Road Rules Challenges (shut up)

E) Four Places I have traveled to:
1. London
2. Toronto
3. Chicago
4. Miami

F) Websites you visit daily: (or semi-weekly):
Fox Sports Net

G) Four of my favorite foods:

Mac & Cheese
an amazing steak

H) Four places I would rather be right now:
In bed with a reasonably but not ridiculously cuddly person
Jersey Shore
Las Vegas


The secret word is FUN!

Hooray! Pee Wee's Playhouse is back!

Cool flash site: www.peewee.com

Sometimes it's just the little things that are Awesome!


Not quite finalized

But I'm very tired and bruised. Anticoagulants and needles, not a bad date.

"I am fucked. Fucked is me."
- Det. Jimmy McNulty (Dominic West), "The Wire"