That was one of the many things shouted at me when I was working on my set a couple weeks ago, like those poor ice skaters who get motivational shit shouted at them on the rink I'm sure at 5 AM to go for the gold.
For some reason this morning I had that going thru my head when I was at the ATM on my way to work. Tonight I have a club audition, that I was all getting dressed for this morning, going over stuff in my head. All week I've been wavering in attitude, from "Whatever, no one gets it" to "It's good practice" to "Blow it out, think positive for a change, you never know."
Why the fuck, then, am I doing this if not to succeed?
And the bigger-picture issue is (before this becomes something that belongs in the comedy blog), why the fuck am I ending a marriage if my life is not going to become better because of it?
If comedy was part of the reason, then goddamnit, become an awesomely excellent comedian. If you write better jokes than so fucking many comics out there, than deliver the shit out of them. Get them heard, dammit. Fuck it. Why would you work your ass off, make sacrifices, for nothing? That's not smart, and you are a smart person.
If you are becoming single, then you have the opportunity to find a man, or let a man find you, who loves you for who you are, completely. Who can support you in all kinds of ways. Did you lose one schmuck so you could find another? No, you did not. That's not smart and you are a smart person. The heart is tricky, but ultimately you will prevail. The heart is much trickier....this analogy was much better written in my head.
But the point remains.
Ummm....maybe I'm a little too smart sometimes.
When I was thinking about all this,I actually got quite emotional.
THAT'S what I need.
Not the clever analogies.
Fuck off in print is one thing.
Fuck off from the heart is another.
Got it? Good. I hope I do.