I'm fucking still at work, listening to ABBA...goddamnit

I don’t wanna talk
About the things we’ve gone through
Though it’s hurting me
Now it’s history
I’ve played all my cards
And that’s what you’ve done too
Nothing more to say
No more ace to play

The winner takes it all
The loser standing small
Beside the victory
That’s her destiny

I was in your arms
Thinking I belonged there
I figured it made sense
Building me a fence
Building me a home
Thinking I’d be strong there
But I was a fool
Playing by the rules

The gods may throw a dice
Their minds as cold as ice
And someone way down here
Loses someone dear
The winner takes it all
The loser has to fall
It’s simple and it’s plain
Why should I complain.

But tell me does she kiss
Like I used to kiss you?
Does it feel the same
When she calls your name?
Somewhere deep inside
You must know I miss you
But what can I say
Rules must be obeyed

The judges will decide
The likes of me abide
Spectators of the show
Always staying low
The game is on again
A lover or a friend
A big thing or a small
The winner takes it all

I don’t wanna talk
If it makes you feel sad
And I understand
You’ve come to shake my hand
I apologize
If it makes you feel bad
Seeing me so tense
No self-confidence
But you see
The winner takes it all
The winner takes it all......

www.lyricsfreak.com

PS - Looks like I'm gonna have to go to court. Goddamnit again. Fucking ugliness. WHY?!?!

And scene.

I don't really have time to update, although I'm feeling fairly upbeat today, I'm really quite busy.

So here - one more for the road, slightly more upbeat, or wistful, depending on your listening posture. It's got a rocking sound, though, and beats several of the alternatives right now:

Why stop now? Let's party the rest of the night!
Seven o'clock, Eight o'clock, Nine o'clock. Ten
You wanna go home? Why? Honey, When?
We may never get this chance again!
Let's party for the rest of the night!
Yeah, Yeah! Oh, Yeah! Let's party for the rest of the night!
Yeah, Yeah! Oh, Yeah! Let's party for the rest of the night!
Why leave now? Let's party for the rest of the night!
Eleven o'clock, Twelve o'clock, One o'clock, Two
Me tired? Well boo-hoo!
I'm starting to fall in love with you
Let's party for the rest of the night!
Yeah, Yeah! Oh, Yeah! Let's party for the rest of the night!
Yeah, Yeah! Oh. Yeah! Let's party for the rest of the night!
Why slow down? Let's party for the rest of the night!
Three o'clock, Four o'clock, Five o'clock, Six
Let's throw it all into the mix and open up our bag of tricks
And party for the rest of the night!
Oh, Yeah! Yeah, Yeah! Let's party for the rest of the night!
Oh, Yeah! Yeah, Yeah! Let's party for the rest of the night!
We never had an issue! We never had a fight!
Someone must be doing something right!
Yeah, Yeah! Oh, Yeah! Let's party for the rest of the night!
Yeah, Yeah! Oh, Yeah! Let's party for the rest of the night!
- "Rest of the Night"

The Wind

Which I'm listening to obsessively right now. "El amor de mi vida" is up now.

What an odd afternoon. Met G to do the taxes. Was looking at him with wistful regret, until he walked in the door of H&R Cock looking, well, like hell. Was tolerating the proceedings until I found out he lost a massive (MASSIVE MASSIVE) amount of money in an investment I didn't know about, or had dismissed as "shady" if I remember correctly. Homicidal doesn't begin to describe it. But I held it together. He can't stop touching me - patting me on the head and so forth. He wants to come to my shows now. He bought me lunch. What the fuck?!

I have to admit to the occasional moments of doubt and sadness. Oh, there I go, being all humanoid again.

In the I Cannot Handle You department, I've also chosen to separate myself from a person who is, or was, a friend, who I just cannot deal with right now. And I've already found myself thinking, Boy they'd love to hear about this, and then putting the receiver back on to the cradle. But I can't deal with their situation right now, and I'm no good in context. I've found more upheaval and transition in my friendships lately than ever, an unexpected development. I barely talk to my mom, and I haven't gotten tickets to visit my friend in NC - I feel terrible, but I can't handle the stress right now. I'm stunned about friends who don't, and sometimes about friends who do, check in with me to see how things are. I've been all but abandoned by some. What the fuck?!

Like I told G, I'm learning to uni-task more. What the fuck?!

I need to find a man I don't have to raise.

He told me today he'd be profoundly jealous when I started dating. At this point, I'm gonna make that an "if." As if he had the right. Oddly, I found that I appreciated his interest in the situation. At least jealousy means that he's breathing. What the fuck?!

Life is strange. But hopefully I won't have to write my own requiem anytime soon, as stunning as this album may be.

Damn, that's life affirming. What the fuck?!

Just to get back to the requiems....

Some days I feel like my shadow's casting me
Some days the sun don't shine
Sometimes I wonder what tomorrow's gonna bring
When I think about my dirty life and times
One day I came to a fork in the road
Folks, I just couldn't go where I was told
Now they'll hunt me down and hang me for my crimes
If I tell about my dirty life and times
I had someone 'til she went out for a stroll
Should have run after her
It's hard to find a girl with a heart of gold
When you're living in a four-letter world
And if she won't love me then her sister will
She's from Say-one-thing-and-mean-another's-ville
And she can't seem to make up her mind
When she hears about my dirty life and times
Some days I feel like my shadow's casting me
Some days the sun don't shine
Sometimes I wonder why I'm still running free
All up and down the line
Gets a little lonely, folks, you know what I mean
I'm looking for a woman with low self-esteem
To lay me out and ease my worried mind
While I'm winding down my dirty life and times
Who'll lay me out and ease my worried mind
While I'm winding down my dirty life and times
- "Dirty Life and Times"

www.allthelyrics.com

Magic and Loss

Binging and purging, the emotional bulimic that I am. I am fighting the urge to puke (literally and figuratively) right now.

This is a journal about love, after all. And all its consequences. Truth and Consequences. Just a town in New Mexico?

Listening to music. Bittersweet. Fucking Wagner, man.

The above-titled album I only have on tape. Have only managed to get through it once or twice.

Moving right along...One good cry and one good drink. That oughta do it. Yeah.

I brought concealer with me.

Now playing: From Wagner to Zevon.

Shadows are falling and I'm running out of breath
Keep me in your heart for awhile
If I leave you it doesn't mean I love you any less
Keep me in your heart for awhile
When you get up in the morning and you see that crazy sun
Keep me in your heart for awhile
There's a train leaving nightly called when all is said and done
Keep me in your heart for awhile
Sha-la-la-la-la-la-la-li-li-lo
Keep me in your heart for awhile
Sha-la-la-la-la-la-la-li-li-lo
Keep me in your heart for awhile
Sometimes when you're doing simple things around the house
Maybe you'll think of me and smile
You know I'm tied to you like the buttons on your blouse
Keep me in your heart for awhile
Hold me in your thoughts, take me to your dreams
Touch me as I fall into view
When the winter comes keep the fires lit
And I will be right next to you
Engine driver's headed north to Pleasant Stream
Keep me in your heart for awhile
These wheels keep turning but they're running out of steam
Keep me in your heart for awhile
Sha-la-la-la-la-la-la-li-li-lo
Keep me in your heart for awhile
Sha-la-la-la-la-la-la-li-li-lo
Keep me in your heart for awhile
Keep me in your heart for awhile

http://www.allthelyrics.com/

The air, and something in it

This morning all I wanted to do was walk outside and breathe. It was cloudy sunny, kind of that odd bright gray glow you sometimes get when rain threatens one neighborhood but not another. And the air was clean, but full of ice, somehow...not chilly but it felt like being inside a glass of cool cool water. Again, words fail me. But it felt good, good to take in, like the last squeezed juices of winter were insinuating themselves into the air.

As much as I enjoy flirting with other men, I do miss my husband lately and find myself speaking of him a lot. Even when I'm flirting with other men. I've had to train myself to flirt because it's not my style. And where does it get you? Someone to make out in a bar with or someone to walk through the park with on a warmish cool day?

I need to breathe, slowly.

more dreams

I had a dream where I was with a friend in a cab headed to a party at the theater, but wasn't wearing any damn clothes. Then, somehow, a towel materialized. My friend kept telling me You're fine, you're fine, let's just go. Then, somehow, I was wearing a red shirt and blue skirt and no panties. I still felt exposed, vulnerable. It was 830 and the party was starting at 8. I hopped into another cab and went home and changed my shirt, a yellow one, and stared at myself in the mirror. My apartment was really brightly lit, for some reason.

Then I woke up, feeling cold. And then I remembered I wasn't wearing any damn clothes.

I had dreams last night

I had dreams last night of the way things could have been. Bright, vivid dreams. And then suddenly I was lost, in a labyrinth of corridors holding a half-empty cognac bottle in my hand.

I woke up. I was gutted. I'm still not quite right.

Have you ever had dreams that intense?

Indoor Football? College Basketball? Soccer? Bring it!

I finally, today realized that TV sports are inherently comforting, and often, if you don't care about the individual teams, independent of the sport.

Right now I am trapped in my room with my recalcitrant ex-husband cleaning a closet filled with half-empty paint cans, old coats he found, and God knows what else. I need to assemble my tax receipts and I am stressed. And I am extra grouchy with him, since yesterday he didn't do this (and grouchy with myself, because I let him snuggle in bed with me yesterday afternoon. I certainly didn't, on paper, require the additional snuggling, and goddamnit not from him. But, I can be a very weak and wanton woman sometimes.)

My TV had switched from the McLaughlin group as I perched on my pillow covered computer chair, typing up my taxes. It was showing indoor football (American football). And I realized the familiar rhythm...the undulating cheering in the background...the smooth male announcer banter citing player trivia between plays, discussion of the rules, injury status, etc, rhythmic and level and rising and falling when play dictated, flawlessly. I was mesmerized.

And I thought, yes, baseball, football, basketball (A little screechier, by virtue of its indoors, wooden floors, hoops and whistles), hockey (A little slammier, by virtue of its structure and speed and slamming), soccer, curling, cheerleading, whatever. It's all the same, in a way...and I love it. I wondered why I would even be mesmerised by the Telemundo broadcast of a football match between Argentina and Croatia (besides the sheer hotness of that all)....but the rhythms, the cantor, the tone the game is all the same, even when I don't follow it all.

Play ball!

Things to do/have done/will have done/should have done/should not have done/to be done/am doing

1. Go see lots of shows
2. Get obliterated
3. Hang out with friends
4. Smoke butts
5. [xxxxxxxxxxxx]
6. Perform in show
7. Clean house
8. Snuggle with ex-husband
9. Write sketches/jokes/monologues with/without partner
10. Get more obliterated
11. Set up client meeting
12. Fight w/ex-husbahd
13. Have big steak dinner with dad
14. Anxiolytics and Diet Coke, anyone?
15. Taxes
16. Listen to music
17. Don't listen to music
18. Watch stupid sports
19. Assemble boxes
20. Nap time!

Where x=various embarrasments/behaviours. This includes having a stupid cry in a public place, among other things.

Quotes and shit

"There are things on heaven and earth, Horatio, that man was not meant to know."
- Hamlet

"Don't bullshit a bullshitter"
- Unknown

"But that intimacy of mutual embarrassment, in which each feels that the other is feeling something, having once existed, its effect is not to be done away with."
- George Eliot

"I don't wish to imply that there aren't good things about you or that you're not an extraordinary person but I'd rather let other people enjoy the surprise."
- George Tsargas, "now that it's over"

"Scratch a lover, and find a foe."
"I require only three things of a man. He must be handsome, ruthless and stupid."
"It's not the tragedies that kill us, it's the messes."
- Dorothy Parker


www.worldofquotes.com

Cowboy Romance - Natalie Merchant (without comment or explanation)

It's a Saturday afternoon romance
between a cowboy and a fool
a drunken meet up
in a crude saloon
a poor Rocky Mountain town
he's a scoundrel and
she's no pearl
together they are two lovers cruel

got her balanced on his knee
he knows exactly what to say

"you ain't been born
til you get out of town
and honey,
you might come with me"

"if you do...
spare the innocent ones
I'll take you with me
together we will be drifters free"

got her tangled in his arm
she's a lusting, trusting fool

"no man born can rule me
that I've sworn
but stranger if you do
I'll belong to you"

"if you do...
would you spare the innocent ones
would you take me with you?
can you love the land
and love me too?"

as he grows sober
sees his love anew
in morning light so true
he gets on the move
on the move

"So, how's your husband?"

That was one of the many things shouted at me when I was working on my set a couple weeks ago, like those poor ice skaters who get motivational shit shouted at them on the rink I'm sure at 5 AM to go for the gold.

For some reason this morning I had that going thru my head when I was at the ATM on my way to work. Tonight I have a club audition, that I was all getting dressed for this morning, going over stuff in my head. All week I've been wavering in attitude, from "Whatever, no one gets it" to "It's good practice" to "Blow it out, think positive for a change, you never know."

Why the fuck, then, am I doing this if not to succeed?

And the bigger-picture issue is (before this becomes something that belongs in the comedy blog), why the fuck am I ending a marriage if my life is not going to become better because of it?

If comedy was part of the reason, then goddamnit, become an awesomely excellent comedian. If you write better jokes than so fucking many comics out there, than deliver the shit out of them. Get them heard, dammit. Fuck it. Why would you work your ass off, make sacrifices, for nothing? That's not smart, and you are a smart person.

If you are becoming single, then you have the opportunity to find a man, or let a man find you, who loves you for who you are, completely. Who can support you in all kinds of ways. Did you lose one schmuck so you could find another? No, you did not. That's not smart and you are a smart person. The heart is tricky, but ultimately you will prevail. The heart is much trickier....this analogy was much better written in my head.

But the point remains.

Ummm....maybe I'm a little too smart sometimes.

When I was thinking about all this,I actually got quite emotional.

THAT'S what I need.

Not the clever analogies.

Fuck off in print is one thing.

Fuck off from the heart is another.

Got it? Good. I hope I do.

Things I have found in my room

- A handheld "organizer" G got as a "good service" gift from the company that i was gonna sell on eBay
- At least four packages of envelopes.
- Very old business cards
- A half-bent Bloomingdales credit card
- One rollerblade
- G's old work uniform I am tempted to keep as a costume
- Forgotten to be returned clothes - bras, rain coat
- Docking cradle for way old Palm device I don't have
- Unmarked CDs and some game CDs
- Can of "office cleaner"
- Millions of wire hangers
- My fattest fat jeans (don't even ask, it's tragic)
- Picture from same era
- A baby gift I never sent (oops)
- Friend's molecular biology publication
- Books I tried and failed to sell on half.com
- 16 Playboys that are up on eBay
- George Foreman grill (again, failed to sell on eBay which is fine because it would have been a pain to pack and ship.)
- Pounds of dust. I am choking. Will the crap-sifting never end?

Quentin Tarantino, Uma Thurman and me in a room

And I wouldn't answer the phone for a week.

Just finished watching "Kill Bill Part 2."

Awesome. The man doesn't waste a word, image, action, not a damn thing.

Just awesome.

You walked in to the party

You know when I've resorted to song lyrics then I've either gone lazy or gone crazy or gone hazy.

Or all of the above.

ear catching as well, but a little different....

"I am the girl you know, can't look you in the eye
I am the girl you know, so sick I cannot try
And I am the one you want, can't look you in the eye
I am the girl, you know I lie, I lie and lie
I'm Miss World, somebody kill me
Kill me pills
No one cares, my friends
My friend
I'm Miss World, watch me break and watch me burn
No one is listening, my friend
Now I've made my bed, I'll lie in it
I've made my bed, I'll die in it
I've made my bed, I'll lie in it
I've made my bed, I'll die in it
Cute girls watch when I eat ether
Suck me under
Maybe forever, my friend
Now I've made my bed, I'll lie in it
I've made my bed, I'll die in it
I've made my bed, I'll cry in it
I've made my bed, I'll lie in it
I am the girl you know, can't look you in the eye"

- "Miss World," Hole

just caught my ear

"There's so many dreams, I've yet to find."
- Carole King, "So Far Away"

More later, in context or out.

Drunk Snacks!

1. Microwave popcorn tossed with fat free herbed feta cheese
2. Fat free (drained, extra thick) Greek yoghurt with toasted walnuts, shredded coconut and raspberry jam.

Delicious!

I am awesome in my capabilities.

por que bother?

So he mentions that he was by the UCB theater at the Gristedes looking for me on line, outside. So he wants to know when my class show is. So he automatically has to make asshole remarks about what it is that I am doing. So he wants to know when I"m getting paid for all this. So I explain again and again. So I get more asshole remarks. So he acknowledges his assholism, but denies that it's reared its ugly head during the course of the conversation. And so on...

All I ever wanted is a snark-free "I'm proud of you."

That's it.

Thank you,
The management.

On an aside, the packing is traversing as a sine wave, peaked at the maximum by Gloria Gaynor singing "I Will Survive" and an attractive women dancing in panties and a t-shirt slamming the lid on a box labeled "Books," and minimized by a sobbing woman hurling dusty paperbacks and scrap envelopes and greeting cards into a Fresh Direct box, cross-legged on the floor to Joni Mitchell's "Both sides now," crossing the x-axis at the placement of you-as-a-couple's photos at other people's weddings face down in a drawer and sighing to "In my Life."

Redux, shmedux

I sent the poem to Gary, nary a word.
Huh.
I've been packing his shit Packing, boxes, tape, newspaper. What fun!
Ho!
I've been thinking a lot about way-old boyfriends and way-lost loves lately.
Hee!
I reserve the right to be nonsensical on any chosen occasion.
Hoo!
That is one of the five words I cannot spell.
Oops!
I've gotten some fine new material lately, or the stirrings of some.
Har!
Remind me to send L- that MP3.
Ha!
Good times, yo. I found my stash of IRC print outs. The ones that Gary dismissed as being poorly spelled. The ones that inspire me.
Boo.
Today I bought (on sale) a pile of fun notebooks, a candle, a patch, and a watch. Some for gifts, some for me.
Whee!

Phantom kitty.

He doesn't run out the door when I open it. He doesn't kick up litter or push around his food bowl. He doesn't jump on my face at five thirty in the morning, or even seven. He doesn't tear up the sofa. He doesn't run to the door, alert and on call, when the door bell rings. He doesn't scratch at bags of Chinese or Japanese food expectantly. He doesn't tear at baked chicken or deli turkey breast.

Fuck.

My poor stuffed puppy (semi-nameless at this point, let's call him Junior, really I'm far too old to be naming stuffed animals) is no substitute, although he doesn't scratch, he does tend to get lost under the blankets.

Fuck.

I'm a bit bummed.

Who knew?

Hmmm redux.

Or was it "Fuck off. Love you?" Perhaps so.

When you google "love hate" you get over 14 million results.

One of my favorites breaks it down in a form anyone can comprehend:

Do the Math!

This gem is from Cartoon Stock:



And since things are compulsively better/funnier/somethinger (you see?) in threes....

Love Hate Tattoos - if you ever need serious ink in the Rochester NY area. (I think Deuce is my fave!)

xx

Oh dear, I wonder why the last one quit?

From The Guardian classified section:

"Psycho-legal assistant
Campbell Law Solicitors
Buckinghamshire
Campbell Law Solicitors require psycho-legal assistant."

Hmmm.

Did you ever have someone describe a relationship that you were in with them as "love-hate?"

Hmmm. Should one be insulted or pleased?

Of course, they are probably right. And it does imply a certain lack of being-asleep-at-the-wheel. Hate's a fairly loud and/or painful condition. Not for the faint of heart. Fortunately, it doesn't last terribly long.

Hmmm indeed.

Love you too. Fuck off.