Guest guest blogger

Tony Bourdain...a man for whom I would swim through a mile of Cheez Wiz.

Quote of the Day, Kink Division

"I don't know if I'm a bottom because it turns me on...or because I'm lazy....Thos S&M people, they are bossy!"

- Margaret Cho, "Notorious C.H.O."

Is there really a creepy connection between Star Trek, leather sex, and the Renaissance Faire"? Ha!

"I want a woman who looks like John Goodman. Don't Sharon Stone me to death."

- See above

Ideas: Proposed Writing Projects Yet to Come

Dating the Short
Reduce, Reuse, Recycle: A Field Guide to Men
Seinfeld: The Infrastructure of American Humor
The Great Chain of Tom Fontana
Do I Look that That?: Vanity and Mildly Distorted Self-Image
Yogurt, Nachos and Coffee
Stuff on First Avenue

Disturbing

Tonight on the way home from the office (ungodly hour, dial a car home), the driver slowed down all of a sudden going down Second Avenue. There was a young woman standing in the middle of the street, half smiling and looking dazed. Was she drunk? Ill?

All the cars stopped and honked at her to move out of the middle of traffic (heavy traffic, at that, fortunately. It was slower).

Eventually she made it to the other side. I wanted to hang out at the window and yell to her, but there wasn't time before traffic started moving again.

I hope she got home OK.

I got plenty of nothin'

I'm artistically stunted right now. Work and life are kicking my ass at the moment. I'm too tired to wash my socks (although I did get a load of dishes in last night and cultured some sink mold. fun!). Whine, whine, whine. As a result I've got nothing interesting to say at the moment.

To keep all three of you readers busy, here's some fun facts and places to go.

1. Toasters are neat!



My friend Chris got the Toast-o-lator, an appliance from the late 30s that uses a conveyor to march the bread through the toaster in an oh-so-joyous way! (see a similar one above) If this makes you as happy as it made me, check out Toaster Central. And eat toast! Mitch Hedberg loved toast, you should too!

2. Rachael Mason is super cool, and Superfree! Read her blog about growing up a New Yorker.

3. Sudoku is a good way to numb your brain.

4. Chris also brought my attention to this society site, darling. Read about parties you'll never go to! The shopping section is divinely amusing. Personally, it almost made me buy cashmere socks.

5. I am compulsive enough not to end my lists on an even number; I actually prefer multiples of 5. Hmmmm....Oh, here's one. I was craving English snacks (specifically Ham and Mustard Crisps) so I checked the website for local brit grocer Myers of Keswick. Browse the Brit food and giggle immaturely at 'spotted dick,' 'cockaleekie soup' and, (for an English site they have a TON of typos), 'ass. deoderants.'

Enjoy! See you when I'm not artistically dormant!

Do you know me?

Create your own Friend Test here

Stolen from Dunford, who I don't know all that well.

I wanna know...

One of my favorite cheesy/big video/arena rock 80s cliche songs (don't sell it short, really) was Foreigner, "I want to Know what Love Is."

I dug up the lyrics. Does this make sense?

I wanna know.

I gotta take a little time
A little time to think things over
I better read between the lines
In case I need it when Im older

Now this mountain I must climb
Feels like a world upon my shoulders
I through the clouds I see love shine
It keeps me warm as life grows colder

In my life theres been heartache and pain
I dont know if I can face it again
Cant stop now, Ive traveled so far
To change this lonely life

I wanna know what love is
I want you to show me
I wanna feel what love is
I know you can show me

Im gonna take a little time
A little time to look around me
Ive got nowhere left to hide
It looks like love has finally found me

In my life theres been heartache and pain
I dont know if I can face it again
I cant stop now, Ive traveled so far
To change this lonely life

I wanna know what love is
I want you to show me
I wanna feel what love is
I know you can show me

I wanna know what love is
I want you to show me
And I wanna feel, I want to feel what love is
And I know, I know you can show me

Lets talk about love
I wanna know what love is, the love that you feel inside
I want you to show me, and Im feeling so much love
I wanna feel what love is, no, you just cannot hide
I know you can show me, yeah

I wanna know what love is, lets talk about love
I want you to show me, I wanna feel it too
I wanna feel what love is, I want to feel it too
And I know and I know, I know you can show me
Show me love is real, yeah
I wanna know what love is...

Vroom!

I love my tats. Do you?

Ok, they're fake. From Ricky's. But they're glorious. I'm wearing them to work at the law firm tomorrow, under a smart suit. I wore them to a family party tonight and creeped out my grandmother and stepmom. My other relatives were mildly amused/impressed.

I love them! They don't shower off, either. Fabulous!

Someone must have planted it.

I just found my first gray hair. Sticking at a forty-five degree angle from the very top of my head, like a strange insect antenna. It was weirdly wiry, and had the texture of fishing line.

Upon closer inspection (I pulled it out promptly because it was so fascinating), it turns out not to be gray but white. Bright white.

Why didn't someone tell me

...that Nigella Lawson is ridonkolously hot?

I watched her make Triple Chocolate Brownies on the Food network and almost lost my mind. And I'm not even that crazy about brownies. When she described the sad white chocolate bits as "vanilla," which they are, I fell in love. I can't explain it. I wanted to bite down and taste the oozy hot flowy melty chocolate....with a nice glass of milk.

Oh dear. I'm culinarilly gay.

Culinarilly looks supremely dirty, doesn't it?

Mmmmmm!

More miscellaney

I have disgusting, status-post-nasty-virus, skin. Dry and flaky, especially around my nose and lips. I also have at least one flourishing and one burgeoning cold sore on my face. I am so attractive.

I'm going to try and go back to work today but I'm ridiculously exhausted and have limited voice.

Instead of getting my ass in gear, I'm here typing shit.

I don't even have anything good to wear.

Last night I had the same peculiar recurring exam nightmare. Except it was also combined with a comedy-show nightmare and getting-some-action nightmare. Heck of a trifecta. Guess that happens when you actually turn the TV off before bed.

I can't fathom breakfast right now but it seems inevitable.

Crap.

Should I change my photo?

I'm not a dude.

Update

(in the style of an ancient buried blog)

Number of Claritin taken tonight: 1
Number of hours Claritin should work: 12
Number of hours past proposed bedtime: 1.5
Number of liters of Iced Diet Green Tea with Honey remaining in house: 1
Number of pints of melted frozen dessert in freezer: .8
Number of pillows on bed: 5
Number of adequately stuffed pillows on bed: 2
Desire to sleep: High
Ability to sleep: Low
Amount this is blamed on Claritin: 75%
Number of cans of cat food remaining in house: 0
Time cat will wake up owner for cat food: 630
Condition of throat: Scratchy and swollen
Possibility of taking off work tomorrow: Zero
Level of grouchiness: High
Need to vacuum rugs: High
Bottles of partially drunk whiskey: 3
Countries bottles of whiskey are from: 3
Number of short stories completed tonight: 1
Number of short stories started tonight: 3
Number of poems written tonight: 1
Interest in poetry as an art form: Low

Speaking of compliments....

Here is one of my clients. His stuff is fabulous and his youtube skills are amazing (amusing? Perhaps both!)

We've been working together awhile. He said super nice things about me today.

I decided to enjoy that. (see previous)

And post his video. Enjoy!

An observation about, well, me.

Seriously, I take compliments as well as fine silks take bleach. As well as eggs adhere to a fresh nonstick pan. (Insert a third similie or metaphor here, I can't be expected to do all the work.)

Uh....thanks. But if you're saying something swell about me, I probably will feel weird and undeserving.

Doesn't mean you should stop, though. Cause we all know what egomaniacs* the chronically insecure are.

(*not a show plug but it could be!)

Not quite a rant. I just made a lovely home-made sugar free Chai tea latte (so trendy, with the Trader Joes sugarfree mix) and I'm dangerously mellow at the moment.

It's a helluva town.

Cheesy, yeah, but I love "New York New York." Dancing men in uniform!

Note: there are 6 people in the photo, but only 4 credited names. Hardly seems fair, if you ask me.