owwwwww

Now I understand why little kids scream. I am FAR too old for an ear infection, and even post-surgery it is making me completely miserable. More miserable than the surgery. Crap!

If food were christmas packages

I would be unwrapping the following tasty treats:

- a crispy potato latke
- an order of sashimi or chirashi (white rice, PLEASE)
- a white Russian
- spaghetti carbonara
- some kind of cheese. Just because. As long as it's not fontina or muenster, the tofu of cheeses (in a negative sense). Is there any cheese that sucks worse than muenster? I'd rather eat Laughing Cow or, heaven help us, Velveeta (which if applied to white bread and toasted to high heaven, creates magic. I defy you to refuse that sandwich.)

Things you realize when you watch too much Food Network, continued.

1. Here's the formula for every episode of Chopped:
- the foreigner
- the meathead
- the culinary student with no experience or the experienced chef with no formal training
- the girl
- three far more qualified judges (both in terms of sheer culinary skill and ability to snark up the joint). Alex, Scott, I hope you are doing bong hits or jager shots on commercial breaks.

2. Dear Guy Fiertrtrti,

Go away.

3. Dear Sandra Lee,

Soft focus just makes it worse.

Go have a drink and then go away.

4. Which Travel Channel show is Jeff Corwin ripping off - No Reservations or Bizarre Foods?

5. Top Chef this week made me realize that I miss Emeril. Poor Emeril, kind of. A talented person. Mugging and catchphrasing all those years, only to be replaced by Paula Deeeeeeeen and Guy Fietrtrtrtrti. Then again he's probably a bazillion aire with a slew of restaurants and such.

This may be a whole lot funnier considering how little food I've eaten in the past month. Or not.

Things you realize when you watch too much Food Network

1. Ingrid Hoffman is like Rachael Ray with a stupid accent, a stereotyped soundtrack and ugly velour sweats. She reminds me of these twin girls I prosecuted in Family Court; one was smart and angry, and one was batshit crazy and dumb (and looked just like her mom). She's the dumb one.

2. Anne Burrell is the chicken lady from Kids in the Hall. However talented a chef she may be (I don't doubt she is), and I'd love to go out drinking sangria with her, she has absolutely no screen charisma.

3. Bobby Flay. Too much. Talented and screen-savvy, but three less shows would do you fine.

4. Ellie Krieger. Not enough! But keep it that way, Food TV, and avoid turning her into a shrieking whole-wheat harridan....

5. Like Paula Deen and her creepy sons. She's become a parody of a stereotypical crazy Southern lady party host. Please, stop.

6. Wouldn't it be awesome if Kendra got a cooking show? Probably not. Just a thought.

Things you realize when watching too much "Platinum Weddings"

1. Words and phrases you never want to hear again are 'very unique,' 'most unique' and any mispronunciation of 'Swarovski.'
2. Cocktails shall all be known as 'stupid name-tini' forever more.
3. Why would you want to dance on a lit-up floor projection of your own name?
4. It's Swahr-ahf-ski.
5. Okay, the photo booth is a neat idea.
6. Morphine withdrawal makes you tear up at the slightest provocation.

It's amazing what occurs to you at 3 AM.

Impulse control. I realize that, on both sides of the fam, we are severely lacking. That explains, perhaps, why I am bingeing on cran-grape juice.

Juice. When you're off solid foods, you exercise your badness in any way possible.

Juice, indeed.

Not to mention vitamin water, propel, and an odd combination of soy milk and Fox's U Bet.

Juice.