Dear Dumb People on Bikes,*

*and by this I mean 'unintelligent, stupid morons who have chosen to pedal a largish metal contraption through my neighborhood' as I acknowledge that there are lovely, considerate people of normal intelligence and lovable personalities who do ride bicycles and are herein excluded.)

Yeah, ASSHOLES, I'm talking to you.

Here's a few handy tips from those of you inconsiderate jerks who didn't learn (1) road safety or (2) common courtesy when they were, say, SEVEN. Of course, then you're probably too dumb to read this, but I take that back because that insults lovely, considerate people who happen to be learning-disabled or have difficulties with the language.

Anyway, FUCKTARDS, listen up.

Here's some handy RULES of the ROAD that, if followed, will result in me NOT clubbing you, picking you off with a slingshot or tossing gravel in your path:

1. Get off the damn phone.
2. Put out the damn cigarette.
3. No, retard, DON'T TOSS IT AT THE SIDEWALK. Pull over, wipe the smelly drool off your face, and crush it out.
4. Ride WITH TRAFFIC. Not against traffic. That's the law.
5. If you love riding on sidewalks so much, move to Westchester. Or better yet, New Jersey, so you have to pay to come back here and annoy us.
6. The traffic laws DO apply to you. So, cutie with the ponytail and sundress (you're not as pretty as you think, either), barrelling through the crosswalk as I am CROSSING THE STREET WITH THE LIGHT is a dick move on your part.
7. Assholes.

Love,
Queen of Pedestrians