No, really, gifts optional.

Today's my wedding anniversary.

I'm not officially divorced yet. It's all over but the paperwork.

Aaaawwwwkkkkkward. Right?

Last year I went out for some karaoke. This year....

Got any brilliant ideas, people? PEOPLE?

Keep those cards and letters coming. I like the ones from the dusty old stationery stores, with the scratchy-fuzzy glitter surface and ill-fitting envelopes. Beware the poison glue.

"I now pronounce you Blog and dipshit. You may now post and hide."