The Hills: 2027

This is what I do rather than clean my bedroom. Sorry!

Lauren: Wears a lot of cardigans and skinny leggings. Manages a high-end art supply store in Century City specializes in expensive handmade recycled-paper goods. When happy couples come in to browse the wedding invitations, she mutters and scribbles furiously into a recycled-paper journal. Possesses deep eye wrinkles from squinting in contempt at happy and/or successful people. Constantly reapplies muted peach lipstick. Eyebrows still incongruously dark.

Spencer: Engaged to third wife Apple Paltrow-Martin following messy splits from Heidi and Rumer Willis. Successful producer of preteen slasher films. Hair-plug technology has improved in the past twenty years, fortunately.

Brody: Avoiding extradition in Switzerland. Operates a pro shop in a ski lodge. Gained thirty pounds on dark chocolate.

Heidi: In minimum-security prison for attempting to murder Lauren by setting fire to her fluffy white sectional sofa. We learn that her natural hair color is in fact platinum blonde. Writing a tell-all book.

Whitney: Editor of Vogue. Married Ashley Olson in a million-dollar fall ceremony in the Napa Valley. Gorgeous, simply gorgeous.

Audrina: Moved to New York. Never heard from again.

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