Merry Christmas!

Dear Asshole Artisanal Cheese Vendor on Avenue A at the Greenmarket,

If you offer samples to people, you can expect that some people won't like them. Especially when your cheese tastes like fermented Elmer's Glue. Don't glare at me with a frozen smile and try to blame me for wanting a "strong" cheese. Asshole.

Dear Bitchy Lady in the Laundry room,

Don't cut in front of me coming from the elevator with your cart. Don't take three washers at once. Don't accuse me of slamming a washer door. Don't try to manipulate me with tales of grief. And don't fuck with my laundry.

Dear Mom of Bitchy Lady in the Laundry room,

Yes, I will take down the picture of Jesus in the lobby. And put it up in my apartment, because Jesus loves me. And was Jewish.