The above-mentioned woman was not me.
1. I would never wear skinny-heeled strappy sandals.
2. I would never publicly shout "This is a real New York Moment." I may think it, recount it to friends, write in a ridiculous blog about it...but never publicly shout it.
Sigh. As if I needed to clarify that. As Ann Landers used to say, fifty lashes with a wet noodle, or something like that.
Which sounds kind of icky. I think by the thirty-seventh lash, the noodle would be gross and awful, and you'd have a starchy butt. And it's not much of a punishment, because WET NOODLES DON'T HURT.
Unless they're hot.
Ok, I'm done now. Rant over.
In other news, I've been invited to participate in a ranty-styled comedy show. Fun! Don't get me started....
9/30/05
9/29/05
This is a New York Blog Entry.
A woman was racing across East 39th street, carrying lots of shopping bags. She loses her black strappy sandal in a slight pothole. She turns around, only to helplessly watch in horror as her lonely sandal gets run over by a speeding taxi cab. She scurries back, hopping on one foot, and picks up her lonely lost shoe, which is apparently bruised but unbowed. Balancing on one leg, stashing her shopping bags between her legs, she slips the shoe back on, announcing to no one in particular,
"Now THIS is a New York Moment!"
"Now THIS is a New York Moment!"
9/26/05
9/25/05
Analysis via DVD
Okay. So shopping leads to thinking (Broadway flea market day again) and thinking leads to the question, If I were the kind of person who owns DVDs (that are not sketch comedy collections), what DVDs would I own? (The only ones I own are random thing that are given to me or cost some tiny amount or were found by the ex, things like that).
So, I started thinking.
A short list was formed (including some I saw at the market, and did not buy, cause I couldn't or didn't justify the minimal cost): - In no particular order
Secretary
Moulin Rouge
sex lies and videotape
Casablanca
Love Actually
Bull Durham (I did own this but gifted it to my Mom for her birthday)
Glengarry Glen Ross (similar fate, I believe)
Animal House
Caddyshack
Breakfast Club
St Elmos Fire
All That Jazz
Little Shop of Horrors
High Fidelity
Murder by Death
Annie Hall
the Christopher Guest et al films (Spinal Tap, Guffman, Best in Show, Mighty Wind)
In the TV arena: Homicide, Oz, Your Show of Shows...I didn't pay this much mind. Possibly AbFab.
Okay. Now, this breaks out into a few distinct areas.
1. Quirky or screwball comedies.
2. Guy films. (Caddyshack fits categories 1 or 2). Actually Homicide and Oz are fairly male-dominated.
3. Doomed/quirky romances. (Bull Durham fits into Categories 2 and 3) The couples in these films are disturbed or 'off' in some way. The guy does not necessarily 'get' the girl or vice versa; someone dies (Moulin Rouge, Little Shop of Horrors), gets shackled (Secretary), or you're not quite sure where this is headed (Bull Durham, High Fidelity), or they're outright broken up (Annie Hall) or on a plane (Casablanca). Love Actually has a bunch of these, I think.
Theory: Kevin Costner should only be in baseball films (see Bull Durham, Field of Dreams), and possibly political films (JFK, that one that just came out a couple years ago. oh, maybe not political films).
Theory: The James Spader character in "Secretary" is the older version of the James Spader character in "sex lies and videotape."
4. And a couple of sentimental favorites (St Elmos Fire is a terrible movie, and fits into Category 3 and 4. Murder by Death is kinda odd, but I loved it when I was like ten.)
Whatever, I really do have better things to do.
And I bought 2 videotapes. Barney Miller episodes. A buck apiece. Sweet!
So, I started thinking.
A short list was formed (including some I saw at the market, and did not buy, cause I couldn't or didn't justify the minimal cost): - In no particular order
Secretary
Moulin Rouge
sex lies and videotape
Casablanca
Love Actually
Bull Durham (I did own this but gifted it to my Mom for her birthday)
Glengarry Glen Ross (similar fate, I believe)
Animal House
Caddyshack
Breakfast Club
St Elmos Fire
All That Jazz
Little Shop of Horrors
High Fidelity
Murder by Death
Annie Hall
the Christopher Guest et al films (Spinal Tap, Guffman, Best in Show, Mighty Wind)
In the TV arena: Homicide, Oz, Your Show of Shows...I didn't pay this much mind. Possibly AbFab.
Okay. Now, this breaks out into a few distinct areas.
1. Quirky or screwball comedies.
2. Guy films. (Caddyshack fits categories 1 or 2). Actually Homicide and Oz are fairly male-dominated.
3. Doomed/quirky romances. (Bull Durham fits into Categories 2 and 3) The couples in these films are disturbed or 'off' in some way. The guy does not necessarily 'get' the girl or vice versa; someone dies (Moulin Rouge, Little Shop of Horrors), gets shackled (Secretary), or you're not quite sure where this is headed (Bull Durham, High Fidelity), or they're outright broken up (Annie Hall) or on a plane (Casablanca). Love Actually has a bunch of these, I think.
Theory: Kevin Costner should only be in baseball films (see Bull Durham, Field of Dreams), and possibly political films (JFK, that one that just came out a couple years ago. oh, maybe not political films).
Theory: The James Spader character in "Secretary" is the older version of the James Spader character in "sex lies and videotape."
4. And a couple of sentimental favorites (St Elmos Fire is a terrible movie, and fits into Category 3 and 4. Murder by Death is kinda odd, but I loved it when I was like ten.)
Whatever, I really do have better things to do.
And I bought 2 videotapes. Barney Miller episodes. A buck apiece. Sweet!
9/21/05
The time-zone display thing could get annoying, I suppose.
Just watched the first half of the first episode of NY-LON on BBC America.
Notes to self:
1. Go back to London.
2. Do significantly more solo bar-hopping.
3. Abandon general distaste for overly-manicured sideburns. (Still, what's up with them??)
Yeah, that guy's hot. She's not 'all that.' It gives a girl hope.
She is a New Yorker, though. "Do you have any REAL coffee?"
Shallowly yours....
(I can't say if this series looks anything less than crap, though. Hard to say. Already got the bit.)
Notes to self:
1. Go back to London.
2. Do significantly more solo bar-hopping.
3. Abandon general distaste for overly-manicured sideburns. (Still, what's up with them??)
Yeah, that guy's hot. She's not 'all that.' It gives a girl hope.
She is a New Yorker, though. "Do you have any REAL coffee?"
Shallowly yours....
(I can't say if this series looks anything less than crap, though. Hard to say. Already got the bit.)
9/20/05
crap.
I feel like i've been beaten up. I get about one migraine a year, but this one was hard. And it took me about six hours to locate the tylenol and codeine, which is all i can take for them. I hope it's unrelated to the monster quantity of blood thinners I'm currently on.
I think I threw up in the middle of the night but I'm not entirely sure. I still feel nauseated and achy.
I said horrible things to my mother. Pain makes me angry. Not that they weren't true, but still.
I can't handle most people right now. Even though I want them to help me, I think. I don't know. I can't deal with human fraility. Anyone's.
But tonight, I will be hilarious. I promise.
I think I threw up in the middle of the night but I'm not entirely sure. I still feel nauseated and achy.
I said horrible things to my mother. Pain makes me angry. Not that they weren't true, but still.
I can't handle most people right now. Even though I want them to help me, I think. I don't know. I can't deal with human fraility. Anyone's.
But tonight, I will be hilarious. I promise.
9/19/05
Funeral Flyby
Did you ever wish you could watch yours?
I wish I came from a religious, or movie-watching tradition, that allowed for that possibility in my psyche. 'Cause I would sooner plan one that I'd be around for. I've got that paranoid-party-host fear that I'd throw a funeral, plan all the food, the hall, the music, and NO ONE would show. Or worse, be boooooooring.
How do people figure out who to invite? I've got numbers in my Palm desktop, my email accounts, and my cell phone. No one has my gmail password, clearly, that one's tough. Maybe I should leave it somewhere?? Hmmm, too many embarrassing....Oh, bother.
Do people get up and say stuff, or is that TV material? It's like really short weddings; TV material. That is, until I went to my first Protestant (Episcopalian, I think) one. Boom! Quick! Just like on the TV.
But pretty much - and this always made the man nuts, he who believed in post-mortem ghosties and the eternal soul and all that Catholic stuff - I've been into 'you're dead, you're dead.'
Rats.
(That's yukkier when you're contemplating your decomposing plain-pine-coffin corpse. And I know that's de rigeur amongst the Judaica set, but I hate the idea of taking up extra land and stuff. I partly relish the idea of donating myself to a hapless first-year medical school class....ahh, who knows.)
I'm sure people would show up for the food. The food would be great. Seriously, that much I can assure you. If there's one thing my family knows, and can agree on, it's a freaking buffet.
No problem there.
I wish I came from a religious, or movie-watching tradition, that allowed for that possibility in my psyche. 'Cause I would sooner plan one that I'd be around for. I've got that paranoid-party-host fear that I'd throw a funeral, plan all the food, the hall, the music, and NO ONE would show. Or worse, be boooooooring.
How do people figure out who to invite? I've got numbers in my Palm desktop, my email accounts, and my cell phone. No one has my gmail password, clearly, that one's tough. Maybe I should leave it somewhere?? Hmmm, too many embarrassing....Oh, bother.
Do people get up and say stuff, or is that TV material? It's like really short weddings; TV material. That is, until I went to my first Protestant (Episcopalian, I think) one. Boom! Quick! Just like on the TV.
But pretty much - and this always made the man nuts, he who believed in post-mortem ghosties and the eternal soul and all that Catholic stuff - I've been into 'you're dead, you're dead.'
Rats.
(That's yukkier when you're contemplating your decomposing plain-pine-coffin corpse. And I know that's de rigeur amongst the Judaica set, but I hate the idea of taking up extra land and stuff. I partly relish the idea of donating myself to a hapless first-year medical school class....ahh, who knows.)
I'm sure people would show up for the food. The food would be great. Seriously, that much I can assure you. If there's one thing my family knows, and can agree on, it's a freaking buffet.
No problem there.
9/18/05
Show plug.
Please come to my show!
Tuesday September 20th
Laugh Lounge
151 Essex Street
212-614-2500 for reservations. Or, better, call or email me and I will reserve for you.
830 PM
$10 + 2 Drink Minimum
http://www.laughloungenyc.com/
Hilarious!
Tuesday September 20th
Laugh Lounge
151 Essex Street
212-614-2500 for reservations. Or, better, call or email me and I will reserve for you.
830 PM
$10 + 2 Drink Minimum
http://www.laughloungenyc.com/
Hilarious!
Nothing better to do.
Lots to do. Just not done. Except watch that show "Open Bar," about the opening of a gay bar in West Hollywood. Fun!
I don't know if he's gonna be able to open that bar or not. I am seriously worried. Seriously.
I don't know if he's gonna be able to open that bar or not. I am seriously worried. Seriously.
observations on the AFI 100 Movie quotes
1. Ray Romano has had Botox, and what the fuck is he doing here?
2. George Lucas has a low forehead.
3. Dennis Miller is not completely sucktarded.
4. 25% are from Casablanca
5. Pierce Brosnan is sucktarded.
Top quote? "Frankly my dear, I don't give a damn."
Coulda told you that. But it's still a pretty good Top 100 list, as these things go.
I have had two Xanax and sleep will not come. But the stress remains.
2. George Lucas has a low forehead.
3. Dennis Miller is not completely sucktarded.
4. 25% are from Casablanca
5. Pierce Brosnan is sucktarded.
Top quote? "Frankly my dear, I don't give a damn."
Coulda told you that. But it's still a pretty good Top 100 list, as these things go.
I have had two Xanax and sleep will not come. But the stress remains.
9/17/05
About #3
Besides providing me more material than I can bother to write down, and helping me with ideas for various projects, she let me in on this little gem.
When she was in junior high, she had to do a speech project (one of those public speaking things). Terrified of getting up in front of people, she wrote the piece itself on "Stage Fright."
I said, "That's meta." She said, "I don't know what the fuck that means."
Stage Fright. Awesome.
My mom knows how to "fuck your fear," instinctively.
Amazing. And not a single lesson.
Why the fuck isn't she on stage?
When she was in junior high, she had to do a speech project (one of those public speaking things). Terrified of getting up in front of people, she wrote the piece itself on "Stage Fright."
I said, "That's meta." She said, "I don't know what the fuck that means."
Stage Fright. Awesome.
My mom knows how to "fuck your fear," instinctively.
Amazing. And not a single lesson.
Why the fuck isn't she on stage?
Random thoughts.
1. Thanks for the IM! But I was asleep at the proverbial wheel.
2. I won't be calling anyone. You want me, you find me.
3. My mom is the source of all hilarity in the universe, at times I believe this to be true.
4. Butterscotch Krimpets have gotten smaller.
5. Jon Voight has really big lips. That in part explains Angelina Jolie.
I'll be fine, I'm sure. I apologize for the shock-value-ness of the prior post. Goddamn camera phones.
2. I won't be calling anyone. You want me, you find me.
3. My mom is the source of all hilarity in the universe, at times I believe this to be true.
4. Butterscotch Krimpets have gotten smaller.
5. Jon Voight has really big lips. That in part explains Angelina Jolie.
I'll be fine, I'm sure. I apologize for the shock-value-ness of the prior post. Goddamn camera phones.
9/14/05
Question.
If you placed highly (but did not win), in a Sex Toy Reviewing contest, for a potentially embarrasing product that would give people a slightly-too-large window into your private life, would you advertise that fact?
Nah, me neither.
Just curious.
Nah, me neither.
Just curious.
Question.
Ever had your soul ripped out your left nostril with a crochet hook?
Uh, no, me neither.
Just wondering.
Uh, no, me neither.
Just wondering.
9/13/05
How I made my aunt weep. Sponsored by Starbucks.
800: Outfit: Oversized black jacket, red tank, short black pleated skirt, off-black Berkshire panty hose, low heeled pump-type shoes, black. Purse and briefcase. Pleasantly cool out.
830: Appear at criminal court to meet client. Check cell phone, wait outside part.
915: Sign in second on list at part. Calm client. Enter notice, get brushoff from ADA.
935: Bark at client. Bully my way past massive wall of defense attorneys, grab ADA, bark deal at him. Get case done.
1000: Enjoy delicious cup of cart coffee in Police Plaza and have girl/comic talk with client. Make post-case video on her phone.
1100: Downtown shopping (J&R WorldWorld, Staples) and long stroll. Realize fully how much I love lower Manhattan.
1215: Lunch on lower Broadway (delicious ginormous latte, impenetrable fruit salad) at Starbucks with friend, refreshingly free of comedy in-chat. Still look relatively good. Temperature creeping up; jacket open.
130: Conference call/meeting in Midtown about publishing contract.
300: Walk to meeting at relatively pleasant placement agency with placement staff who is alumna/former actor. Down 2 glasses of water because afternoon temperature is near 90 degrees.
400: Walk to mother's office to pick up mail order clothes. Call aunt on cell phone.
"I'm walking to-OH SHIT"
"What honey? Are you ok?"
"My panty hose just collapsed."
"muffled laughter Can you fix them?"
"I am on Fifth Avenue and I am holding a very short skirt"
"barely muffled laughter Can you stop somewhere"
"No, I could go to the library but by the time I got up the stairs they'd be gone"
"choking Can you pull them up?"
"I AM TRYING BUT I AM FLASHING FIFTH AVENUE"
"screaming, sobbing with laughter, I'm SORRY but you'd better keep this in your act because I am HYSTERICAL"
"I'm almost there (clutching skirt halfway up thigh with collapsed Berkshires, off black, in hand, grumbling)
410: Restroom. Grab.
545: Another delicious latte and low fat coffee cake at Starbucks on 15th and 9th.
620: Collapse on loading dock behind Chelsea Market. Pantyhose now welded to skirt and ass due to heat of loading dock.
645: Meeting with director. "Why don't we go to Starbucks?" Chai tea latte.
730: Rehearsal. Panty hose disposed of.
1015: Phone call.
1030: Phone call.
1145: Phone call.
1230: Fell asleep near bowl of cold couscous.
830: Appear at criminal court to meet client. Check cell phone, wait outside part.
915: Sign in second on list at part. Calm client. Enter notice, get brushoff from ADA.
935: Bark at client. Bully my way past massive wall of defense attorneys, grab ADA, bark deal at him. Get case done.
1000: Enjoy delicious cup of cart coffee in Police Plaza and have girl/comic talk with client. Make post-case video on her phone.
1100: Downtown shopping (J&R WorldWorld, Staples) and long stroll. Realize fully how much I love lower Manhattan.
1215: Lunch on lower Broadway (delicious ginormous latte, impenetrable fruit salad) at Starbucks with friend, refreshingly free of comedy in-chat. Still look relatively good. Temperature creeping up; jacket open.
130: Conference call/meeting in Midtown about publishing contract.
300: Walk to meeting at relatively pleasant placement agency with placement staff who is alumna/former actor. Down 2 glasses of water because afternoon temperature is near 90 degrees.
400: Walk to mother's office to pick up mail order clothes. Call aunt on cell phone.
"I'm walking to-OH SHIT"
"What honey? Are you ok?"
"My panty hose just collapsed."
"muffled laughter Can you fix them?"
"I am on Fifth Avenue and I am holding a very short skirt"
"barely muffled laughter Can you stop somewhere"
"No, I could go to the library but by the time I got up the stairs they'd be gone"
"choking Can you pull them up?"
"I AM TRYING BUT I AM FLASHING FIFTH AVENUE"
"screaming, sobbing with laughter, I'm SORRY but you'd better keep this in your act because I am HYSTERICAL"
"I'm almost there (clutching skirt halfway up thigh with collapsed Berkshires, off black, in hand, grumbling)
410: Restroom. Grab.
545: Another delicious latte and low fat coffee cake at Starbucks on 15th and 9th.
620: Collapse on loading dock behind Chelsea Market. Pantyhose now welded to skirt and ass due to heat of loading dock.
645: Meeting with director. "Why don't we go to Starbucks?" Chai tea latte.
730: Rehearsal. Panty hose disposed of.
1015: Phone call.
1030: Phone call.
1145: Phone call.
1230: Fell asleep near bowl of cold couscous.
9/11/05
Sadly, you learn something new...
I'd listened to the names all morning, numbly.
I'd heard the name of the wife of a childhood friend, lost heartbreakingly three months after their wedding. My mom listened too...."I waited for the F's..." Yeah. "But I couldn't wait for Ivan's (my cousin's) friend." "WHO?"
I didn't know that the brother of one of my high school classmates was lost too. I had no idea. Was it him? I checked the lists...checked the testimonials. Yes. The youngest of six, there was a NY times article about him, with lots of quotes from my high school classmate (we were junior-high friends more than anything; he was cute as hell.) Read the testimonials, brothers and sisters of the families of my younger days.
Yeah, that's him.
Familiar, Italian-American and Irish-American names. Good kids. Lost too soon.
Rest in peace, Christina Donovan Flannery and Pete Siracuse.
*************************************************************
My brother in law George died in August 2001. He never saw all this.
And the Yankees haven't won a Series since. If you knew what a serious fan George was, you'd know I wasn't being glib.
Rest in peace, George Esposito Jr.
I'd heard the name of the wife of a childhood friend, lost heartbreakingly three months after their wedding. My mom listened too...."I waited for the F's..." Yeah. "But I couldn't wait for Ivan's (my cousin's) friend." "WHO?"
I didn't know that the brother of one of my high school classmates was lost too. I had no idea. Was it him? I checked the lists...checked the testimonials. Yes. The youngest of six, there was a NY times article about him, with lots of quotes from my high school classmate (we were junior-high friends more than anything; he was cute as hell.) Read the testimonials, brothers and sisters of the families of my younger days.
Yeah, that's him.
Familiar, Italian-American and Irish-American names. Good kids. Lost too soon.
Rest in peace, Christina Donovan Flannery and Pete Siracuse.
*************************************************************
My brother in law George died in August 2001. He never saw all this.
And the Yankees haven't won a Series since. If you knew what a serious fan George was, you'd know I wasn't being glib.
Rest in peace, George Esposito Jr.
Indeed.
Now that I'm linked to my web site, I guess this is kind of Google-a-ble.
Hi.
In other news of the mundane, I am trying valiantly to revive my iPod. Jeez, planned obsolescense is one thing, my poor track record with losing/destroying small electronics is another thing..but come on, Apple! It's not been THAT long!
In other other news, my favorite improv team, Monkeydick will soon be no more. This makes me saddy sad sad (which I believe is a line I stole from them). They had the best mix of personalities and teamwork you're ever likely to see, and were just smart and goddamn funny. I'm not good at recalling specific scenes and stuff, but they did do my favorite Harold group game ever ("This meeting of the House Unamerican Activities Committee will now come to order...").
They're also adorable. Click above for the schedule for their last few shows, and go catch them if you can.
In other news, while waiting for cell phone recovery (another story), I saw the end of a movie that I never have to see all of, because the last five minutes were so amazing - "Before Sunset" with Ethan Hawke (one of those boyish looking dudes I generally want to smack, but who I can't resist) and Julie Delpy - I never saw the original, never saw this one, had no desire to....but the last five minutes, and the last lines SPOILER ALERT are amazing:
Celine: Baby, you are gonna miss that plane.
Jesse: I know
Damn.
In other random movie news, anyone seen this iFC thing called Ten Tiny Love Stories? I saw bits of it on Friday, and the Debi Mazar one was stunning. Looks like I'd like to read them, perhaps.
I also need to get some sitcoms. Sitcoms!
In other news, I drink too much; is that news?
Indeed.
I need to sleep. Need to, indeed.
Hi.
In other news of the mundane, I am trying valiantly to revive my iPod. Jeez, planned obsolescense is one thing, my poor track record with losing/destroying small electronics is another thing..but come on, Apple! It's not been THAT long!
In other other news, my favorite improv team, Monkeydick will soon be no more. This makes me saddy sad sad (which I believe is a line I stole from them). They had the best mix of personalities and teamwork you're ever likely to see, and were just smart and goddamn funny. I'm not good at recalling specific scenes and stuff, but they did do my favorite Harold group game ever ("This meeting of the House Unamerican Activities Committee will now come to order...").
They're also adorable. Click above for the schedule for their last few shows, and go catch them if you can.
In other news, while waiting for cell phone recovery (another story), I saw the end of a movie that I never have to see all of, because the last five minutes were so amazing - "Before Sunset" with Ethan Hawke (one of those boyish looking dudes I generally want to smack, but who I can't resist) and Julie Delpy - I never saw the original, never saw this one, had no desire to....but the last five minutes, and the last lines SPOILER ALERT are amazing:
Celine: Baby, you are gonna miss that plane.
Jesse: I know
Damn.
In other random movie news, anyone seen this iFC thing called Ten Tiny Love Stories? I saw bits of it on Friday, and the Debi Mazar one was stunning. Looks like I'd like to read them, perhaps.
I also need to get some sitcoms. Sitcoms!
In other news, I drink too much; is that news?
Indeed.
I need to sleep. Need to, indeed.
9/9/05
Things I like about Mike
1. "I'm great at making snap indecisions."
2. The worlds' greatest single song mix tape (ten or eleven versions of "All the Things you Are." alas, on a regular old tape.)
3. Passing me in Physical Chemistry by teaching me at least a semesters' worth of partial differential equations in two nights, in exchange for cookies.
4. Nineteen years' worth of injokes, terrible mixed drinks, poor wardrobe choices, near misses, quotes, oddly shaped vegetables, music, yaks, cartoons and generalized hilarity and goodness.
5. Just making me feel like a consistently fabulous person.
If I could remember the thing about the flute, the sax, the fingers, and the lips, I'd put that in too.
Thanks.
2. The worlds' greatest single song mix tape (ten or eleven versions of "All the Things you Are." alas, on a regular old tape.)
3. Passing me in Physical Chemistry by teaching me at least a semesters' worth of partial differential equations in two nights, in exchange for cookies.
4. Nineteen years' worth of injokes, terrible mixed drinks, poor wardrobe choices, near misses, quotes, oddly shaped vegetables, music, yaks, cartoons and generalized hilarity and goodness.
5. Just making me feel like a consistently fabulous person.
If I could remember the thing about the flute, the sax, the fingers, and the lips, I'd put that in too.
Thanks.
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