In other news....

1. There's a new MTV idiot-adventure competition show on. Huzzah!
2. There's a big difference between angry and bitter.
3. It's way too warm in my apartment.

Notes on The Duel 2 and my crappy legs

First off, my legs. I have been limping for weeks on a shin-splinty right leg, only to completely dislocate my left knee last weekend in Baltimore. My ankles are weirdly swollen, there's a bunch of bruising on my knee (I didn't fall on it), and it's not getting better. I lent my crutches to a friend and I think that I haven't reclaimed them because that would mean I should use them. I wrap them in neoprene, I take illicit Motrin (thinning my blood to the consistency of acetone, no doubt), and I fret.

Oh yeah, I also do improv, run a few standup shows (running back and forth to the stage 20-odd times), take lots of stairs, and generally behave like an idiot, apparently.

But I don't want to be injured.

Crap.

In the meantime....the Duel 2!

1 - Mark is at least 37 and is kicking ass. I'd do him.
2 - Could Evan be more irritating? And surprisingly doughy?
3 - What's the deal with Katie? Is she sedated? Medicated? Or just menopausal?
4 - Ruthie is cute but a mite creepy.
5 - If someone else uses "myself" improperly again, it's on. It's on.
6 - Evan is a moron.
7 - The 'tribal' opening is bizarre, vaguely offensive in several ways (mostly because half the girls look bored, half the guys lurve being fake warriors.)
8 - Davis's cast picture makes it look like he has boobies.
9 - Yes, I read the cast bios. Shut up.
10 - What the hell kind of a name is Diem?
11 - Ha ha Evan's in the duel!
12 - Shut up.
13 - What the hell kind of a name is Brittni?
14 - Why do they keep letting Eric back on the show? Last time he had freaking arrythmia. Srsly?
15 - Did I just type "Srsly?'
16 - STOP SAYING MYSELF
17 - Shut up Evan.
18 - What the hell kind of a name is Landon?
19 - Srsly?
20 - I need some sleep.

Things you realize when you watch too much Food Network, continued.

1. Here's the formula for every episode of Chopped:
- the foreigner
- the meathead
- the culinary student with no experience or the experienced chef with no formal training
- the girl
- three far more qualified judges (both in terms of sheer culinary skill and ability to snark up the joint). Alex, Scott, I hope you are doing bong hits or jager shots on commercial breaks.

2. Dear Guy Fiertrtrti,

Go away.

3. Dear Sandra Lee,

Soft focus just makes it worse.

Go have a drink and then go away.

4. Which Travel Channel show is Jeff Corwin ripping off - No Reservations or Bizarre Foods?

5. Top Chef this week made me realize that I miss Emeril. Poor Emeril, kind of. A talented person. Mugging and catchphrasing all those years, only to be replaced by Paula Deeeeeeeen and Guy Fietrtrtrtrti. Then again he's probably a bazillion aire with a slew of restaurants and such.

This may be a whole lot funnier considering how little food I've eaten in the past month. Or not.

Things you realize when you watch too much Food Network

1. Ingrid Hoffman is like Rachael Ray with a stupid accent, a stereotyped soundtrack and ugly velour sweats. She reminds me of these twin girls I prosecuted in Family Court; one was smart and angry, and one was batshit crazy and dumb (and looked just like her mom). She's the dumb one.

2. Anne Burrell is the chicken lady from Kids in the Hall. However talented a chef she may be (I don't doubt she is), and I'd love to go out drinking sangria with her, she has absolutely no screen charisma.

3. Bobby Flay. Too much. Talented and screen-savvy, but three less shows would do you fine.

4. Ellie Krieger. Not enough! But keep it that way, Food TV, and avoid turning her into a shrieking whole-wheat harridan....

5. Like Paula Deen and her creepy sons. She's become a parody of a stereotypical crazy Southern lady party host. Please, stop.

6. Wouldn't it be awesome if Kendra got a cooking show? Probably not. Just a thought.

Things you realize when watching too much "Platinum Weddings"

1. Words and phrases you never want to hear again are 'very unique,' 'most unique' and any mispronunciation of 'Swarovski.'
2. Cocktails shall all be known as 'stupid name-tini' forever more.
3. Why would you want to dance on a lit-up floor projection of your own name?
4. It's Swahr-ahf-ski.
5. Okay, the photo booth is a neat idea.
6. Morphine withdrawal makes you tear up at the slightest provocation.

Delightful! Splendiferous!

If you haven't watched the 200th episode of "Inside the Actor's Studio," hosted by Dave Chappelle and guest James Lipton, I must emphatically say, Watch it. Watch it now.

Here's a taste:

http://www.hulu.com/watch/43525/inside-the-actors-studio-james-lipton-on-the-actors-studio

Light as a feather, flat as a board...

Dear lady friends, PLEASE come on Tyra with me and discuss our breasts. Please, please, please.

(Although I realize that most of my demographic is 'dudes who know me' and who are also flattish-chested, I'm afraid you do not qualify.)

Casting Call Information
City: Any City
State: National

Are you flat chested and are envious of your friend/sister's breast size?
Do you have a large chest and wish you could trade with your petite friend?
Please email me or call me ASAP (please include a picture of both people involved)

Detective Howard!

The totally underrated Melissa Leo - AV Club interview.

Magic indeed!

From r stevens (creator of Diesel Sweeties, the best strip ever). I'll try to put in the actual youtube clip later, but if you know me, this would've been a near-perfect storm of evening entertainment.

This "Next Food Network Star" finalist....

...is clearly a Romulan.

Look at the eyebrows. Look at the way hairdo hides her ears. It's obvious.

For this reason alone, I hope she wins.

I am one telegenic fattte!

Joy! It's Fattie Day on Discovery Health! It's the 627 pound woman, the morbidly obese teenager, the fattest man, and plastic surgery galore! Watch the skin fly! I plan on tucking into a steaming plate of chicken enchiladas in front of the telly before the night is through. Yum-o!

McNulty! D'oh!

The Wire cast as Simpsons characters.

Oh, too good...too good

But where's Timmy??

Real World Awards Bash

I had something truly inspiring to write, but now I'm not in the mood, so instead you get this:

Liveblogging The Hills trailer

A special, heartfelt message to several cast members of "Gauntlet 3: Real World Road Rules Challenge"

Dear Beth,

You are forty.

Dear Coral,

You are bald.

Dear Katie,

You are haggard.

Dear Robin,

You are a man.

Love,
Michelle

Make Me a Stupormodel (too easy, I know)

"It's like a fraternity....except really good-looking"
- Make me a Supermodel

You know, watching Niki and Tyson (darling do you need a last name?) make me realize how great Heidi Klum is at her job. And, believe it or not, Tyra. She's fakey, but in a believable way. Genuinely fakey.

I know I don't make sense. I've eaten my weight in baked potatoes. I'm kinda miserable. I've been watching too much Bravo TV.

But given the choice between being a supermodel and a WWE Diva, guess which I'd prefer?

completely different. I crochet. I don't knit.

Observations on Law & Order

Probably obvious but I've been watching lately...

1 - L&O is more pervasive than MASH or Seinfeld ever was. Remember when there was always a MASH rerun on? Or, maybe five years ago, there was always a Seinfeld rerun on? Of course, there are so many flavors of L&O on and an explosion of Unnecessary Cable Channels*. In a recent evening of channel surfing, I am pretty sure there were four episodes, on at least three different chanels.

2 - Exterior shots look like they are done in bulk, either in front of 60 Centre (the State courthouse with the impressive staircase) or the Federal building right across the way (the modern-y looking vertical-windowed one, where International Trade and a bunch of other Federal offices live). Let me tell you, those stairs are a fucking pain in the ass, especially in heels. And at least one in two L&O defendant shootings** takes place on those steps.

3 - You know, as much as I love SVU***, there are only so many scripts you can do about embryos. I want to know if there is a writer in charge of embryo continuity.

4 - Every crime show steals from Homicide.

5 - No matter what, I am unashamed to admit that I still love the Belz. Who was also stolen from Homicide. Even if he is starting to morph into Leonard Nimoy.


















(*more on this later, I'm sure.)
(**the mid-episode defendant shooting is a Cross-L&O Plot Device. It can be spotted a mile away when the first twenty minutes reveal the criminals AND their crime isn't too severe. but again, I digress.)
(***Keller! The pouty Mariska! Ice-T! Dann Florek! and the Belz! Best cast ever.)

Did you see The Girls Next Door last night?

The Girls and Hef go to Renfaire. Turns out Bridget is a Renfaire devotee.

Hip Hip Huzzah!

Verily I doth add this link.

The Hills: 2027

This is what I do rather than clean my bedroom. Sorry!

Lauren: Wears a lot of cardigans and skinny leggings. Manages a high-end art supply store in Century City specializes in expensive handmade recycled-paper goods. When happy couples come in to browse the wedding invitations, she mutters and scribbles furiously into a recycled-paper journal. Possesses deep eye wrinkles from squinting in contempt at happy and/or successful people. Constantly reapplies muted peach lipstick. Eyebrows still incongruously dark.

Spencer: Engaged to third wife Apple Paltrow-Martin following messy splits from Heidi and Rumer Willis. Successful producer of preteen slasher films. Hair-plug technology has improved in the past twenty years, fortunately.

Brody: Avoiding extradition in Switzerland. Operates a pro shop in a ski lodge. Gained thirty pounds on dark chocolate.

Heidi: In minimum-security prison for attempting to murder Lauren by setting fire to her fluffy white sectional sofa. We learn that her natural hair color is in fact platinum blonde. Writing a tell-all book.

Whitney: Editor of Vogue. Married Ashley Olson in a million-dollar fall ceremony in the Napa Valley. Gorgeous, simply gorgeous.

Audrina: Moved to New York. Never heard from again.