A Brief and Hopefully Reassuring Electronic-Mail Conversation with a Friend

**names changed to protect the loopy.

From: Friend
To: me
Date: Apr 15, 2005 2:10 PM
Subject: hey

Missed your call due to being out at Siegfried. That's a good one, if one may be so flip about something as, well, substantial as The Ring.

In other news, "B-boy" is provoking me with what he thinks are philosophically-based observations of my representation to the world, and what I think is insulting nagging about how I need to clean up my desk, get into work earlier, and lose more weight.

What I have learned from opera and life this week includes the fact that men (or gods, or dwarves or whatever) can be both stupid and evil. Actually I knew that already.

xxx

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From: Me
To: Friend
Date: Apr 15, 2005 3:00 PM
Subject: Re: hey

d'oh! I'm sorry I forgot about the Ring thing. Although it's entirely possible I have a block against Wagner at this point, vacillating with me sobbing over Tristan un Isolde on my iPod.

You, kind lady, are correct about the stupid and evil thing.

Although there is beauty and goodness in the world. I took Nietschze to heart the other night, in your honour. While waiting for the upstairs ladies room at the Village Lantern (my friend "E-girl" delightedly had shown me the leapord-printed-carpeted "secret back stairs" passage to the upstairs bathroom, which made the half empty bar look glorious, somehow, with the street lights shining in), a crazy guy (a lame comic, it turns out) standing near the requisite 80s cover band that plays upstairs from the comedy room caught my eye and saw me rocking to the music, He grabbed me and started swinging me around in the most wonderful way. Best. Dance. Ever. So wonderful in the moment. (Much better dancer than a comic.) And when a bunch of us ended up in the pub around the corner later, which was fairly well into Thursday morning, me, "D-boy" (the longhair), "D-guy" (who can solve a Rubik's Cube during a five-minute set), and "V-man" (who I'd be in love with if he weren't married), and "J-babe" the hot bartender all sang "Mercedez Benz" (Janis Joplin but you knew that) at the top of our lungs. While dancing, kinda. Well, drunkenly swaying. It counts. I told them that quote about dancing. These guys all can comment on Nietschze. I like them.

So, sometimes the world is OK. Even men.

Snacktime thoughts.

1. Vanilla Snackwells taste like compressed sand.
2. American Cadbury bars aren't nearly as nice as British Cadbury bars.
3. Pizza Goldfish are edgy.

Necessary roughness.

I'm starting to find stuff I know he'd like. The film clip of Carson interviewing Zappa, he'd love that. Love it. Some poetry readings. Stuff like that, I want to send to him.

But I can't. I just can't. For real. Not right now. Even he figured out first that we're in an adversarial proceeding. And me, silly me, the actual lawyer...

We can't even be friends now. Weren't we friends, once? Should we be again? Can we?

That is making me incredibly and unexpectedly sad.

There's a hole in my life where good things once were.

"Incest is best...." Not.

Not real live icky-backwoods incest. Electronic-community incest. So, inspired in part by a friend/STER, and having little more productive things to do during lunch than sip on ginger tea and nibble on partially-defrosted organic pizza rolls (yummy goodness!) I used a popular online community search engine to create a series of "matches" for me based on a grossly oversimplified set of criteria.

And I got a list of 73 names. Success!

Humming along, I started to scroll down, browsing the facial trading cards. No wait- I was on an improv team with him. No wait- he was my improv coach. No wait- we sat together at Harold night a few weeks ago. No, no, no. At worst - no. At best - awwkward...

So I find myself smiling at a picture and profile towards the end. Picture - a movie still from a favorite movie. Profile - gave me the giggles. Age - nearly appropriate.

I drift my eye back over the picture.

You are connected by....Click here for all. Click.
And the list unravels like a banner in the wind. Connection, connection, connection...
Crap.
Even worse than knowing I know him, is not knowing if I do...and having him check around with the "people in common." All of them, that I do know. Or kinda know.
Aaaawwwkkkkkwwwwwaaaarrrrdddddd.

I think I'm 2 degrees removed from some dude named "Styrofoam Peanuts." Hot.

Question

Do people "make you cry" or do you do that all by yourself?

It seems unfair, in a way, to blame the actions of others. Whether they be beautiful (by writing a piece of poetry, let's say, that rips your guts out), or ugly (by tactlessly bringing up sex-with-others and not sex-with-you, let's say, that also does some gut-related damage).

Is it too (name your philosophy here, I was pre-med) to assert that you own your own reactions? That, your response and your feelings are within your control? Or, if your feelings aren't, your reactions are?

I dunno.

Fuck it all.

Why are pirates so cool?
Because they aarrrrrgh!

Someone....

...drove me up a wall
...may be back in my life again
...smiled at me and made me a little giddy
...borrowed a few bucks
...was casually ignored by me
...is driving me up a wall
...borrowed a few bucks
...made me laugh hysterically
...made me cry hysterically
...made me want to hug them
...made me want to slap them
...will drive me up a wall
...is nice to watch movies with
...makes you forget about the movie
...ought to be in movies
...loves me
...likes me
...hates me
...uses me
...abuses me
...hugs me
...kisses me
...fights me
...fucks me
...fucks with me
...holds me
...scolds me
...drinks with me
...drinks to me
...drinks of me
...thinks of me

dizzy...

Old medications
Old friends
Mixed messages
Mixed media
Confusion reigns
No time to go home
What the fuck to do??

exhausted,,,

New meds.
Old husbands.
Peace on earth sought.
Sickish.
Tired.
Going home.

Technicalities and oddities

No, we didn't "do it."
And it only seems to make us fight harder.
But still...it can be nice, in a way.

I still cry at museums. We always got along, big museums, little weird museums, wherever we went. In Chicago, I lost my shit at the modern-art museum. In London, I was OK, for the most part, except for every now and again and a few minutes alone at the British Museum. Yesterday, the Diane Arbus exhibit at the Met was big enough to lose myself from my friend, for a little while. The fact that it was NY in the 60s somehow made it harder. Lots of Coney Island. And a baby that could've been me, well theoretically.

I'm not on my home computer, yet. Hopefully back soon.

I'm fucking still at work, listening to ABBA...goddamnit

I don’t wanna talk
About the things we’ve gone through
Though it’s hurting me
Now it’s history
I’ve played all my cards
And that’s what you’ve done too
Nothing more to say
No more ace to play

The winner takes it all
The loser standing small
Beside the victory
That’s her destiny

I was in your arms
Thinking I belonged there
I figured it made sense
Building me a fence
Building me a home
Thinking I’d be strong there
But I was a fool
Playing by the rules

The gods may throw a dice
Their minds as cold as ice
And someone way down here
Loses someone dear
The winner takes it all
The loser has to fall
It’s simple and it’s plain
Why should I complain.

But tell me does she kiss
Like I used to kiss you?
Does it feel the same
When she calls your name?
Somewhere deep inside
You must know I miss you
But what can I say
Rules must be obeyed

The judges will decide
The likes of me abide
Spectators of the show
Always staying low
The game is on again
A lover or a friend
A big thing or a small
The winner takes it all

I don’t wanna talk
If it makes you feel sad
And I understand
You’ve come to shake my hand
I apologize
If it makes you feel bad
Seeing me so tense
No self-confidence
But you see
The winner takes it all
The winner takes it all......

www.lyricsfreak.com

PS - Looks like I'm gonna have to go to court. Goddamnit again. Fucking ugliness. WHY?!?!

And scene.

I don't really have time to update, although I'm feeling fairly upbeat today, I'm really quite busy.

So here - one more for the road, slightly more upbeat, or wistful, depending on your listening posture. It's got a rocking sound, though, and beats several of the alternatives right now:

Why stop now? Let's party the rest of the night!
Seven o'clock, Eight o'clock, Nine o'clock. Ten
You wanna go home? Why? Honey, When?
We may never get this chance again!
Let's party for the rest of the night!
Yeah, Yeah! Oh, Yeah! Let's party for the rest of the night!
Yeah, Yeah! Oh, Yeah! Let's party for the rest of the night!
Why leave now? Let's party for the rest of the night!
Eleven o'clock, Twelve o'clock, One o'clock, Two
Me tired? Well boo-hoo!
I'm starting to fall in love with you
Let's party for the rest of the night!
Yeah, Yeah! Oh, Yeah! Let's party for the rest of the night!
Yeah, Yeah! Oh. Yeah! Let's party for the rest of the night!
Why slow down? Let's party for the rest of the night!
Three o'clock, Four o'clock, Five o'clock, Six
Let's throw it all into the mix and open up our bag of tricks
And party for the rest of the night!
Oh, Yeah! Yeah, Yeah! Let's party for the rest of the night!
Oh, Yeah! Yeah, Yeah! Let's party for the rest of the night!
We never had an issue! We never had a fight!
Someone must be doing something right!
Yeah, Yeah! Oh, Yeah! Let's party for the rest of the night!
Yeah, Yeah! Oh, Yeah! Let's party for the rest of the night!
- "Rest of the Night"

The Wind

Which I'm listening to obsessively right now. "El amor de mi vida" is up now.

What an odd afternoon. Met G to do the taxes. Was looking at him with wistful regret, until he walked in the door of H&R Cock looking, well, like hell. Was tolerating the proceedings until I found out he lost a massive (MASSIVE MASSIVE) amount of money in an investment I didn't know about, or had dismissed as "shady" if I remember correctly. Homicidal doesn't begin to describe it. But I held it together. He can't stop touching me - patting me on the head and so forth. He wants to come to my shows now. He bought me lunch. What the fuck?!

I have to admit to the occasional moments of doubt and sadness. Oh, there I go, being all humanoid again.

In the I Cannot Handle You department, I've also chosen to separate myself from a person who is, or was, a friend, who I just cannot deal with right now. And I've already found myself thinking, Boy they'd love to hear about this, and then putting the receiver back on to the cradle. But I can't deal with their situation right now, and I'm no good in context. I've found more upheaval and transition in my friendships lately than ever, an unexpected development. I barely talk to my mom, and I haven't gotten tickets to visit my friend in NC - I feel terrible, but I can't handle the stress right now. I'm stunned about friends who don't, and sometimes about friends who do, check in with me to see how things are. I've been all but abandoned by some. What the fuck?!

Like I told G, I'm learning to uni-task more. What the fuck?!

I need to find a man I don't have to raise.

He told me today he'd be profoundly jealous when I started dating. At this point, I'm gonna make that an "if." As if he had the right. Oddly, I found that I appreciated his interest in the situation. At least jealousy means that he's breathing. What the fuck?!

Life is strange. But hopefully I won't have to write my own requiem anytime soon, as stunning as this album may be.

Damn, that's life affirming. What the fuck?!

Just to get back to the requiems....

Some days I feel like my shadow's casting me
Some days the sun don't shine
Sometimes I wonder what tomorrow's gonna bring
When I think about my dirty life and times
One day I came to a fork in the road
Folks, I just couldn't go where I was told
Now they'll hunt me down and hang me for my crimes
If I tell about my dirty life and times
I had someone 'til she went out for a stroll
Should have run after her
It's hard to find a girl with a heart of gold
When you're living in a four-letter world
And if she won't love me then her sister will
She's from Say-one-thing-and-mean-another's-ville
And she can't seem to make up her mind
When she hears about my dirty life and times
Some days I feel like my shadow's casting me
Some days the sun don't shine
Sometimes I wonder why I'm still running free
All up and down the line
Gets a little lonely, folks, you know what I mean
I'm looking for a woman with low self-esteem
To lay me out and ease my worried mind
While I'm winding down my dirty life and times
Who'll lay me out and ease my worried mind
While I'm winding down my dirty life and times
- "Dirty Life and Times"

www.allthelyrics.com

Magic and Loss

Binging and purging, the emotional bulimic that I am. I am fighting the urge to puke (literally and figuratively) right now.

This is a journal about love, after all. And all its consequences. Truth and Consequences. Just a town in New Mexico?

Listening to music. Bittersweet. Fucking Wagner, man.

The above-titled album I only have on tape. Have only managed to get through it once or twice.

Moving right along...One good cry and one good drink. That oughta do it. Yeah.

I brought concealer with me.

Now playing: From Wagner to Zevon.

Shadows are falling and I'm running out of breath
Keep me in your heart for awhile
If I leave you it doesn't mean I love you any less
Keep me in your heart for awhile
When you get up in the morning and you see that crazy sun
Keep me in your heart for awhile
There's a train leaving nightly called when all is said and done
Keep me in your heart for awhile
Sha-la-la-la-la-la-la-li-li-lo
Keep me in your heart for awhile
Sha-la-la-la-la-la-la-li-li-lo
Keep me in your heart for awhile
Sometimes when you're doing simple things around the house
Maybe you'll think of me and smile
You know I'm tied to you like the buttons on your blouse
Keep me in your heart for awhile
Hold me in your thoughts, take me to your dreams
Touch me as I fall into view
When the winter comes keep the fires lit
And I will be right next to you
Engine driver's headed north to Pleasant Stream
Keep me in your heart for awhile
These wheels keep turning but they're running out of steam
Keep me in your heart for awhile
Sha-la-la-la-la-la-la-li-li-lo
Keep me in your heart for awhile
Sha-la-la-la-la-la-la-li-li-lo
Keep me in your heart for awhile
Keep me in your heart for awhile

http://www.allthelyrics.com/

The air, and something in it

This morning all I wanted to do was walk outside and breathe. It was cloudy sunny, kind of that odd bright gray glow you sometimes get when rain threatens one neighborhood but not another. And the air was clean, but full of ice, somehow...not chilly but it felt like being inside a glass of cool cool water. Again, words fail me. But it felt good, good to take in, like the last squeezed juices of winter were insinuating themselves into the air.

As much as I enjoy flirting with other men, I do miss my husband lately and find myself speaking of him a lot. Even when I'm flirting with other men. I've had to train myself to flirt because it's not my style. And where does it get you? Someone to make out in a bar with or someone to walk through the park with on a warmish cool day?

I need to breathe, slowly.

more dreams

I had a dream where I was with a friend in a cab headed to a party at the theater, but wasn't wearing any damn clothes. Then, somehow, a towel materialized. My friend kept telling me You're fine, you're fine, let's just go. Then, somehow, I was wearing a red shirt and blue skirt and no panties. I still felt exposed, vulnerable. It was 830 and the party was starting at 8. I hopped into another cab and went home and changed my shirt, a yellow one, and stared at myself in the mirror. My apartment was really brightly lit, for some reason.

Then I woke up, feeling cold. And then I remembered I wasn't wearing any damn clothes.

I had dreams last night

I had dreams last night of the way things could have been. Bright, vivid dreams. And then suddenly I was lost, in a labyrinth of corridors holding a half-empty cognac bottle in my hand.

I woke up. I was gutted. I'm still not quite right.

Have you ever had dreams that intense?

Indoor Football? College Basketball? Soccer? Bring it!

I finally, today realized that TV sports are inherently comforting, and often, if you don't care about the individual teams, independent of the sport.

Right now I am trapped in my room with my recalcitrant ex-husband cleaning a closet filled with half-empty paint cans, old coats he found, and God knows what else. I need to assemble my tax receipts and I am stressed. And I am extra grouchy with him, since yesterday he didn't do this (and grouchy with myself, because I let him snuggle in bed with me yesterday afternoon. I certainly didn't, on paper, require the additional snuggling, and goddamnit not from him. But, I can be a very weak and wanton woman sometimes.)

My TV had switched from the McLaughlin group as I perched on my pillow covered computer chair, typing up my taxes. It was showing indoor football (American football). And I realized the familiar rhythm...the undulating cheering in the background...the smooth male announcer banter citing player trivia between plays, discussion of the rules, injury status, etc, rhythmic and level and rising and falling when play dictated, flawlessly. I was mesmerized.

And I thought, yes, baseball, football, basketball (A little screechier, by virtue of its indoors, wooden floors, hoops and whistles), hockey (A little slammier, by virtue of its structure and speed and slamming), soccer, curling, cheerleading, whatever. It's all the same, in a way...and I love it. I wondered why I would even be mesmerised by the Telemundo broadcast of a football match between Argentina and Croatia (besides the sheer hotness of that all)....but the rhythms, the cantor, the tone the game is all the same, even when I don't follow it all.

Play ball!

Things to do/have done/will have done/should have done/should not have done/to be done/am doing

1. Go see lots of shows
2. Get obliterated
3. Hang out with friends
4. Smoke butts
5. [xxxxxxxxxxxx]
6. Perform in show
7. Clean house
8. Snuggle with ex-husband
9. Write sketches/jokes/monologues with/without partner
10. Get more obliterated
11. Set up client meeting
12. Fight w/ex-husbahd
13. Have big steak dinner with dad
14. Anxiolytics and Diet Coke, anyone?
15. Taxes
16. Listen to music
17. Don't listen to music
18. Watch stupid sports
19. Assemble boxes
20. Nap time!

Where x=various embarrasments/behaviours. This includes having a stupid cry in a public place, among other things.

Quotes and shit

"There are things on heaven and earth, Horatio, that man was not meant to know."
- Hamlet

"Don't bullshit a bullshitter"
- Unknown

"But that intimacy of mutual embarrassment, in which each feels that the other is feeling something, having once existed, its effect is not to be done away with."
- George Eliot

"I don't wish to imply that there aren't good things about you or that you're not an extraordinary person but I'd rather let other people enjoy the surprise."
- George Tsargas, "now that it's over"

"Scratch a lover, and find a foe."
"I require only three things of a man. He must be handsome, ruthless and stupid."
"It's not the tragedies that kill us, it's the messes."
- Dorothy Parker


www.worldofquotes.com

Cowboy Romance - Natalie Merchant (without comment or explanation)

It's a Saturday afternoon romance
between a cowboy and a fool
a drunken meet up
in a crude saloon
a poor Rocky Mountain town
he's a scoundrel and
she's no pearl
together they are two lovers cruel

got her balanced on his knee
he knows exactly what to say

"you ain't been born
til you get out of town
and honey,
you might come with me"

"if you do...
spare the innocent ones
I'll take you with me
together we will be drifters free"

got her tangled in his arm
she's a lusting, trusting fool

"no man born can rule me
that I've sworn
but stranger if you do
I'll belong to you"

"if you do...
would you spare the innocent ones
would you take me with you?
can you love the land
and love me too?"

as he grows sober
sees his love anew
in morning light so true
he gets on the move
on the move