Strangely Compelling Blog

In other news....

2010-10-17T21:23:00.001-04:00

1. There's a new MTV idiot-adventure competition show on. Huzzah!
2. There's a big difference between angry and bitter.
3. It's way too warm in my apartment.

In case you were wondering-

2009-07-18T08:40:00.003-04:00

It's 830ish in the morning. I'm listening to Crosby Stills & Nash (Marrakesh Express is on now, surprisingly bouncy). I'm drinking a lovely cup of coffee with that silly but tasty vanilla soy creamer. My tonsils feel like they are the size of golf balls and the heat of the coffee seems to tame the wretched soreness a little bit.

East Village FAIL

2009-07-13T18:42:00.003-04:00

Saturday I thought I'd have a little solo picnic-in-the-park outing. So I walked over to Tompkins Square, where the breadline is sadly increasing, but the usual array of old bums was fairly chipper. What irritated the fuck out of me - just as it did 15-20 years ago - were the young bums, junkies and posers, wearing leather jackets and pricey tattoos, walking large fluffy dogs. They sat or stood around with large lumpy backpacks, asking for change. How hip! Right about then the weather changed from sunny, clear and dry to cloudy, chilly and damp. I passed a police car, the officers chatting with the bums while the new playground lay locked up and unplayed with. I stood by the Temperance statue, grousing like the neighborhood crank that I am, in search of a free bench. I parked myself next to an inoffensive couple, away from the glaring yet skittish elderly folk, and plugged in my ipod to drown out the blaring of lesbian beat poetry from the park's stage. Vagina, vagina, vagina, and limericks galore. Cranky limericks. Then, my battery died.

Today in the Key Food were three new-in-town models anxiously huddled over the self-checkout with three boxes of Frosted Mini Wheats, looking blankly at the employee trying to help them scan bar codes.

While this isn't a neighborhood FAIL, this made me severely embarrased - I was chatted up by a decent-looking gentleman caught staring at my 'got pierogies' shirt. He was highly complimentary and not at all creepy; however, I knew that I had crummy hair and not a small bit of Neutrogena zit cream left on my face, and I was mortified. More like my Fail.

Proust by way of Costco.

2009-06-26T16:35:00.002-04:00

Our secretary bought snacks for the office at Costco (promptly dispatched by the bored, hungry and piggish). They included these gems:

Note that these cookies are not particuarly large, nor particularly chocolatey. They're nice and crumbly though, with a perfectly nonthreatening amount of flavor.

My idea of the perfect lunch, circa 1984 or so:

- one package Lindens cookies (or one Drake's Peanut Butter Wafer bar)
- one bag Andy Capp cheddar fries, or hot fries if I felt daring
- one pint Sun Dew fruit punch or iced tea (which I perversely thought was better for me).

I lost a lot of weight that year.

Notes on The Duel 2 and my crappy legs

2009-04-24T01:27:00.005-04:00

First off, my legs. I have been limping for weeks on a shin-splinty right leg, only to completely dislocate my left knee last weekend in Baltimore. My ankles are weirdly swollen, there's a bunch of bruising on my knee (I didn't fall on it), and it's not getting better. I lent my crutches to a friend and I think that I haven't reclaimed them because that would mean I should use them. I wrap them in neoprene, I take illicit Motrin (thinning my blood to the consistency of acetone, no doubt), and I fret.

Oh yeah, I also do improv, run a few standup shows (running back and forth to the stage 20-odd times), take lots of stairs, and generally behave like an idiot, apparently.

But I don't want to be injured.

Crap.

In the meantime....the Duel 2!

1 - Mark is at least 37 and is kicking ass. I'd do him.
2 - Could Evan be more irritating? And surprisingly doughy?
3 - What's the deal with Katie? Is she sedated? Medicated? Or just menopausal?
4 - Ruthie is cute but a mite creepy.
5 - If someone else uses "myself" improperly again, it's on. It's on.
6 - Evan is a moron.
7 - The 'tribal' opening is bizarre, vaguely offensive in several ways (mostly because half the girls look bored, half the guys lurve being fake warriors.)
8 - Davis's cast picture makes it look like he has boobies.
9 - Yes, I read the cast bios. Shut up.
10 - What the hell kind of a name is Diem?
11 - Ha ha Evan's in the duel!
12 - Shut up.
13 - What the hell kind of a name is Brittni?
14 - Why do they keep letting Eric back on the show? Last time he had freaking arrythmia. Srsly?
15 - Did I just type "Srsly?'
16 - STOP SAYING MYSELF
17 - Shut up Evan.
18 - What the hell kind of a name is Landon?
19 - Srsly?
20 - I need some sleep.

A heart full of rock salt.

2009-04-17T03:25:00.002-04:00

Oooh! Blogging about my feelings! It's rare these days, I'm too busy ignoring them.

So I was having a minor meltdown tonight (complete and inefficient overload in many areas of life, some of which I thought were reasonably under control.) Hosting, a couple of cocktails and some pleasant chat about butt sex kept me going for awhile, until I came home and started shaking uncontrollably like my neighbor's adorable sweatered Chihuahua. Well, I was having an attack of the feelings (source confidential at this time, thank you), and it was a mighty one. And once I had a couple of traumatic/thereapeutic/crushing conversations, I laid on the sofa, watching my legs cramp and my knees twitch under my heavy opaque tights. Tights removed, i flipped on the TV and fell upon Kill Bill part 2 (one of my top five favorite movies of all time, the others being Caddyshack, All that Jazz and a few others that do not include Indiana Jones). Michael Madsen (hot! in that beat-up way I adore) plugs Uma Thurman (hot!) in the chest with a double barrel's worth of shells filled with rock salt.

So that's how I felt.

I enjoyed the rest of the movie. I especially enjoy the Five Point Palm Exploding Heart Trick.

I made 2 psychotic-looking lamb-shaped cakes, a large and fragile cheese paschka, several kulichi (except the little ones were burned), and 4/5 of the recipe of Ambrosia Salad (sour cream withheld until the day of service). Now I will nap, then pack for my trip, go back to my office and get my flash drive, and I'm outta here.

A heart full of rock salt.

Christos Voskres, yo.

You're so different! I'm so different!

2009-04-08T02:51:00.004-04:00

Hey guys! I have a rare disease. (It's the first one! It must be the BEST one!)

I've known about for quite a while but didn't realize there was a club!

Whoo!

(actually I mostly try not to think about it. Rats! Or rat poison.)

More...

Crap! There really is a club!

Now I'm really depressed about the whole thing.

Bloggity bleah.

2009-04-08T00:30:00.005-04:00

Too many things! Too much writing! Writing and crocheting make my carpal tunnel kick in. I'm sooooo old.

Random thoughts for the three remaining readers:

1. Feeling like a squishy slug, I decided to walk like mad all last week, which I did. Sunday night I walked home from a show and had to use the bathroom really badly, so I ran home along 4th street. I can't run. I have a shin splint and already lost one Ace bandage clip. I am a moron. A moron with overly large sneakers.

2. What's the deal with Ace bandage clips? Why don't they sell them in packages for us loose-jointed klutzes?

3. At Whole Foods, I spent $70 on Passover goodies and yeast.

4. Tomorrow! MTV! The Dule II! Whoo!

5. ANTM makes Make me a Supermodel look super edgy.

6. I like dresses.

7. I can't Facebook at work. Huzzah!

8. Want to get inspired to write? Don't read the classics. Read a shitty yet compelling book. This will keep you engaged in it long enough to realize that if this trainwreck can get written AND printed, I can write a book too!

9. Maybe.

10. Happy Springtime Holidaze!

Auntie Maim

2009-03-19T12:49:00.002-04:00

I don't know if it was the most appropriate present to get a six year old, but it may have been the best:

Human Anatomy Coloring Book

My nephew just had a tonsillectomy and was kind of fascinated by the process. I was his first post-surgical call to tell me he was OK and loved learning all about science. He was coloring tonsils, arteries and veins.

My brother may or may not remove the 'r-e-p-r-o' pages, but I may have talked him out of that.

Am I a cool aunt or what?

owwwwww

2009-02-26T11:38:00.002-05:00

Now I understand why little kids scream. I am FAR too old for an ear infection, and even post-surgery it is making me completely miserable. More miserable than the surgery. Crap!

If food were christmas packages

2009-02-25T00:36:00.004-05:00

I would be unwrapping the following tasty treats:

- a crispy potato latke
- an order of sashimi or chirashi (white rice, PLEASE)
- a white Russian
- spaghetti carbonara
- some kind of cheese. Just because. As long as it's not fontina or muenster, the tofu of cheeses (in a negative sense). Is there any cheese that sucks worse than muenster? I'd rather eat Laughing Cow or, heaven help us, Velveeta (which if applied to white bread and toasted to high heaven, creates magic. I defy you to refuse that sandwich.)

Things you realize when you watch too much Food Network, continued.

2009-02-24T23:59:00.005-05:00

1. Here's the formula for every episode of Chopped:
- the foreigner
- the meathead
- the culinary student with no experience or the experienced chef with no formal training
- the girl
- three far more qualified judges (both in terms of sheer culinary skill and ability to snark up the joint). Alex, Scott, I hope you are doing bong hits or jager shots on commercial breaks.

2. Dear Guy Fiertrtrti,

Go away.

3. Dear Sandra Lee,

Soft focus just makes it worse.

Go have a drink and then go away.

4. Which Travel Channel show is Jeff Corwin ripping off - No Reservations or Bizarre Foods?

5. Top Chef this week made me realize that I miss Emeril. Poor Emeril, kind of. A talented person. Mugging and catchphrasing all those years, only to be replaced by Paula Deeeeeeeen and Guy Fietrtrtrtrti. Then again he's probably a bazillion aire with a slew of restaurants and such.

This may be a whole lot funnier considering how little food I've eaten in the past month. Or not.

Things you realize when you watch too much Food Network

2009-02-24T14:51:00.003-05:00

1. Ingrid Hoffman is like Rachael Ray with a stupid accent, a stereotyped soundtrack and ugly velour sweats. She reminds me of these twin girls I prosecuted in Family Court; one was smart and angry, and one was batshit crazy and dumb (and looked just like her mom). She's the dumb one.

2. Anne Burrell is the chicken lady from Kids in the Hall. However talented a chef she may be (I don't doubt she is), and I'd love to go out drinking sangria with her, she has absolutely no screen charisma.

3. Bobby Flay. Too much. Talented and screen-savvy, but three less shows would do you fine.

4. Ellie Krieger. Not enough! But keep it that way, Food TV, and avoid turning her into a shrieking whole-wheat harridan....

5. Like Paula Deen and her creepy sons. She's become a parody of a stereotypical crazy Southern lady party host. Please, stop.

6. Wouldn't it be awesome if Kendra got a cooking show? Probably not. Just a thought.

Things you realize when watching too much "Platinum Weddings"

2009-02-24T02:59:00.002-05:00

1. Words and phrases you never want to hear again are 'very unique,' 'most unique' and any mispronunciation of 'Swarovski.'
2. Cocktails shall all be known as 'stupid name-tini' forever more.
3. Why would you want to dance on a lit-up floor projection of your own name?
4. It's Swahr-ahf-ski.
5. Okay, the photo booth is a neat idea.
6. Morphine withdrawal makes you tear up at the slightest provocation.

It's amazing what occurs to you at 3 AM.

2009-02-17T02:54:00.003-05:00

Impulse control. I realize that, on both sides of the fam, we are severely lacking. That explains, perhaps, why I am bingeing on cran-grape juice.

Juice. When you're off solid foods, you exercise your badness in any way possible.

Juice, indeed.

Not to mention vitamin water, propel, and an odd combination of soy milk and Fox's U Bet.

Juice.

How many wishes do I get?

2009-01-28T00:11:00.001-05:00

I wish I could STOP BEING CRANKY!

Benign neglect

2009-01-20T23:07:00.002-05:00

I have been shamefully neglectful of this blog, and lazily tumblin all over the place. (To my #1 cousin who thinks I have endless free time, posting stuff on the tumblr is way, way easier than using thought and typing about things!)

In other news, I am striving to be memorable, lovable and fit. In some sort of order. I may or may not have given up on incredibly wealthy.

Bloggity blog!

2009-01-13T00:23:00.001-05:00

Yet another place to see my stuff (hooray!)

I Can Bring Home the Bacon

for women in business for themselves!

Dreams revisited.

2009-01-10T02:41:00.003-05:00

I am lucky to have such good friends, even those who are yaks.

This deserves reprinting in its entirety (a comment on the previous post) because it says much about the writer and the writee, as it were. Who may be the only people to whom it makes sense, which is fine.

Thanks. Keep on trucking, dogsledding and skateboarding.

I would say that you have what others call dreams, but you just don't call them that. Perhaps "don't consider them that" would be more accurate?

Here's a game. First solve for X in

I want to _____X______

Now solve for Y1 or Y2:

I want to X because I want to Y1 or because of Y2.

Now solve for Z1 or Z2:

I want to Y1 because of Z.

The reason Y2 affects me is Z.

Once you get to Z (or perhaps a few more iterations), I think you may be on to something.

On the other hand, if it takes getting to Z (or a few more iterations to ZZZZ...), doesn't that mean sleeping, which counterfeeds back into the title of the post?

Off to sleep myself ...

Dreams are for people who sleep.

2009-01-09T01:01:00.003-05:00

It is horrifying to wake up at a rather advanced age and realize you don't have a life's dream.

Watching too much fair-to-middling reality TV will bring this home.

I wish I was blissfully ignorant enough to think that I could just pick up and 'make it' in New York, Las Vegas, LA, wherever.

Unfortunately, all I see are broken plans and downsides and struggle and unanswered phone calls and three-AM sweats.

What, I say, the fuck?

Do you hear the people sing?

2008-12-16T00:03:00.001-05:00

Who's your favorite Valjean?

Merry Christmas!

2008-12-14T16:36:00.002-05:00

Dear Asshole Artisanal Cheese Vendor on Avenue A at the Greenmarket,

If you offer samples to people, you can expect that some people won't like them. Especially when your cheese tastes like fermented Elmer's Glue. Don't glare at me with a frozen smile and try to blame me for wanting a "strong" cheese. Asshole.

Dear Bitchy Lady in the Laundry room,

Don't cut in front of me coming from the elevator with your cart. Don't take three washers at once. Don't accuse me of slamming a washer door. Don't try to manipulate me with tales of grief. And don't fuck with my laundry.

Dear Mom of Bitchy Lady in the Laundry room,

Yes, I will take down the picture of Jesus in the lobby. And put it up in my apartment, because Jesus loves me. And was Jewish.

If you want to amuse yourselves

2008-12-05T13:50:00.003-05:00

all three of you who read this (I've been admittedly lax)

check out my short attention span, link o rama Tumblr:

Enjoy!

Not a great day in lawyer land.

2008-12-05T13:48:00.000-05:00

Currently in a holding pattern.

Yikes.

#447: Things that make me happy.

2008-11-24T20:35:00.002-05:00

Dancing.

(Apologies for the lousy copies, best I could find)

What I need

2008-11-17T19:09:00.002-05:00

A bungalow with a deck on a breezy desert island, convenient to seafood and Internet access. And big thick towels.

or

A cabin in the woods with a crazy well-stocked kitchen, a wood burning fire that I know how to operate, and Internet access. And flannel.

Vibes, whatever.

2008-11-17T17:43:00.002-05:00

I'm not much for crystals, vibes, auras, nonspecific positivity and whatnot. But when gleefully shredding old bills and papers (I love my paper shredder, it's like a big noisy confetti maker), I came across a small, smooth stone in a tiny grey suede bag. It was from the hotel in Toronto we stayed at during the Toronto Improv Festival, when I performed with Harsh. And, immediately, I remembered, that outside from checking out Toronto itself and seeing some shows (that I could've caught in the US, for the most part), I had a generally miserable and shitty time, from the endless train ride to the personality clashes and general lack of acceptance and enjoyment. Except for my $1.00 combat boots, some decent food and drink, and checking out the film set that is Toronto, what a fucking miserable trip that was.

I threw out the freaking tranquility stone without a second thought. I feel better already. Positivity, man.

Delightful! Splendiferous!

2008-11-15T09:09:00.003-05:00

If you haven't watched the 200th episode of "Inside the Actor's Studio," hosted by Dave Chappelle and guest James Lipton, I must emphatically say, Watch it. Watch it now.

Here's a taste:

http://www.hulu.com/watch/43525/inside-the-actors-studio-james-lipton-on-the-actors-studio

It's not you, it's me.

2008-11-12T22:12:00.004-05:00

If you want a really cool but nonprescribing shrink, I can recommend one, highly. She's very cool and yet takes no shit.

I just quit therapy today. This is a good thing, I'm convinced of that.

So much for "keeping it to myself for awhile." (That was the original plan. Until someone notices. I guess. If I tell my mom I'm finally "cured" she'll ask "Are you sure?" Then again, I'm really sick of her asking me if I'm cured. But I digress.)

In some form or another, I've been in therapy for 18 years off and on. Not Woody-Allenesque analysis, just the talky kind. Again, there were often breaks in between. There was the short-termers - the dear, sweet old lady I was convinced was the soul of evil living in the coolest apartment in the city; the burnt-out NYU doc who went medieval on a terribly fragile me for cancelling an appointment (he was reported to administration; do not fuck with even a fragile me). There was my first real doctor at Mt. Sinai, a hulking babyfaced Westerner who I'm surprised survived me; last I saw he was an ER shrink in the Bronx. There was the curmudgeouly but handsome psychiatrist on the Upper West Side; the hippie-ish psychotherapist who, for a few years, I followed to Westchester - eventually the train ride was the most thereapeutic part of the day. And there was the woman, before this one, who I reduced to tears, and then she "forgot" our next (last) appointment. I hope she's in retail now.

I didn't necessarily plan it, although I'd been planning it awhile. She was terribly nice about it, more fair than I'd ever believed a therapist would be. "Perhaps you need to leave here, to put some of this stuff into practice." I think closure is overrated; I chose "goodbye for now" and was nice to know the keys to the sofa were always available. Which is a good feeling. I think if I was a twittering basket case, she'd perhaps have advocated against me returning to the light of day solo.

Anyway. I meant to say more, display all kinds of brilliant insight as to my mental evolution. Reflect, you know.

But right now I just can't sleep. For real.

For Jesus loved an icy cold Bud...

2008-11-11T12:56:00.000-05:00

Lamb of God Can Insulators.

Trust me on a few things.

2008-11-10T00:25:00.003-05:00

I am a big moron. Or maybe, I can just be a big moron.

I should not eat so much buttered popcorn.

Sports bras, even swell comfy red ones, can give you a uniboob.

The No Yarn till 2009 resolution seems to be working.

Facebook can be fun and can be incredibly lame.

I would like to coat some candied peel in chocolate, but it has to wait until the peels dry.

Honestly, I don't like candied peel, but it makes a swell gift.

Rats.

Coolest case name of the day.

2008-11-07T15:36:00.001-05:00

I'm a bit researched out at the moment, but here, I defy you to turn this into an improv group name:

KATHREINER'S MALZKAFFEE FABRIKEN MIT BESCHRAENKTER HAFTUNG et al. v. PASTOR KNEIPP MEDICINE CO., 82 F. 321 (1897).

A delightful array of slightly overpriced korean deli snacks

2008-11-07T12:38:00.003-05:00

Ka-Me plain rice crackers, Slim-Fast, Babybel cheese, Leibniz whole wheat butter biscuits.

An odd array of New York office-grazing comfort foods.

You've gotta see this.

2008-10-23T23:18:00.001-04:00

See more Ron Howard videos at Funny or Die

What I'm reading now.

2008-10-22T16:37:00.002-04:00

Seriously, figure it out!

2008-10-15T05:51:00.001-04:00

0100100100100000011000010110110100100000011000010110010001100100011010010110001101110100011001010110010000100000011101000110111100100000011101000110100001100101001000000110001001101001011011100110000101110010011110010010000001100011011011110110111001110110011001010111001001110100011001010111001000101110001000000000110100001010000011010000101001100100011011110110010101110011001000000110100101110100001000000110001101101111011011100111011001100101011100100111010000100000011010000111100101110000011001010111001001101100011010010110111001101011011100110010110000100000010010010010000001110111011011110110111001100100011001010111001000111111000011010000101000001101000010100110100001110100011101000111000000111010001011110010111101110111011101110111011100101110011100100110111101110101011000100110000101101001011110000110100101101110011101000110010101110010011000010110001101110100011010010111011001100101001011100110001101101111011011010010111101010000011011000110000101111001010001110111001001101111011101010110111001100100001011110100001001101001011011100110000101110010011110010101111101000011011011110110111001110110011001010111001001110011011010010110111101101110001011110100001001101001011011100110000101110010011110010101111101010100011011110101111101010100011001010111100001110100001011100110000101110011011100000000110100001010

Figure it out.

2008-10-15T02:57:00.001-04:00

0100111101001011001011000010000001110100011010000110100101110011001000000111001101101001011101000110010100100000011010010111001100100000011000010111011101100101011100110110111101101101011001010010111000100000001000000101010001101000011000010111010000100000011010010111001100101100001000000110100101100110001000000111100101101111011101010010011101110010011001010010000001100001001000000111010001101111011101000110000101101100001000000110011001110010011001010110000101101011011010010110111001100111001000000110111001100101011100100110010000101110000011010000101000001101000010100100100100100000011011000110111101110110011001010010000001100011011010000110010101100101011100110110010100101110001000000010000001000100011011110010000001111001011011110111010100111111000011010000101000001101000010100100110101000100

Holy Crap, I could own these!

2008-10-12T01:19:00.004-04:00

But would my friends ever forgive me?

The Broadway Box

Les Mis (possibly redundant since I know all the words. Ask me about my Iowa trip.)

Songs that I could do at American Idol/Showtime at the Apollo/Star Search auditions

Cranky post-fever observations.

2008-10-11T17:22:00.002-04:00

1. "The Starter Wife" - Since when has being a divorcee, in and of itself, been fascinating, much less a plot point? What is this, 1953? Shut up, Debra Messing. Just shut up and stop smiling. Jeez.

2. How come when you're unshowered, borderline delirious, and exceedingly cranky (while looking slightly like a crazy person), the newsagent guys will still flirt with you? Moreover, I was buying a crocheting magazine, the most unsexy purchase ever.

3. I've got nothing. Sorry.

Wait - I do.

3. If you're a "friend" and not nearly as good to me as I am to you, then I don't need to include you in that category. Thanks for playing! (Chances are that if you are reading this, it doesn't apply to you.)

Welcome to my world of insomnia.

2008-10-08T03:50:00.003-04:00

Sigh. More juice, perhaps, in some vague flavor known as 'tropical.' Yum!

Anyway.

So I went to Ricky's in search of halloween supplies, and was fairly succesful. The Ricky's girl steered me towards a very cool wig - not the packaged kind, but their regular stock - that was half off. It's a long dark affair, that's fun to play with. However, I was going for more of a drag-queen aesthetic so I wonder if I could style it somehow. I have no clue how to style an inexpensive synthetic wig. I bought a headband but it looks more preppy-princess. I could braid it and go as a fundamentalist polygamous lady, but I haven't the dress. Actually, I do, now that I think about it - a long, modest flowered affair. Hmm!

My original halloween idea was to be a zombie drag queen. Named Jiggle Mortis.

Not that it's terribly original, but I have a neat stash of drag-queen accessories i got at the Broadway Flea Market a few years back - gold pumps, a blue feather boa, and sequined armbands. I've got a neat gown that I scored for $5 (seriously!) at FIlene's, if it still fits OK. And, of course, I have gloves somewhere but I need to find them - I fear they've disappeared into the sexytime black hole in my bedroom (that ate my blue satin bustier). So it's all about the hair. I'm sure there's a few Wikipedia entries that will help me with the 'do. Or, I just pretend I'm Cher. It's Cher hair, to be fair.

Au contraire, mon frere. (Anyone who gets that reference in connection with hair gets a free cocktail!)

To sum up, wigs are fun! And Ricky's is a neat store. (I also got makeup sponges, gray face paint and a tiny vial of stage blood for convenient zombifying.) Huzzah!

I've been busy.

2008-10-05T23:20:00.002-04:00

Heard outside my window:

"Why do you hate me? I love youuuu! WHYYYYY!"

Mystery!

2008-09-30T13:12:00.000-04:00

These guys are amazing.

Derrick as Mystery Team!

Politics!

2008-09-27T04:30:00.001-04:00

The Great Schlep from The Great Schlep on Vimeo.

And one more thing.

2008-09-26T14:39:00.000-04:00

I would really like to do this.

No time left for you!

2008-09-26T12:38:00.003-04:00

I have no time to blog! No time! Well, not at the moment. Well, not really.

But in the meantime, aren't these charming?

The Cake Pan Lady

And since I'm feeling especially generous,

Eliza Skinner. The phrase 'sticky man-trash' is somehow quite beguiling.

And finally, a truly fine piece of improv geekery.

Probably the best Mac/PC ad parody I've seen.

2008-09-16T02:59:00.003-04:00

By the funny (and black) Elon James White. Get all your black news at This Week in Blackness!

WTC WTF?

2008-09-12T18:17:00.000-04:00

From Consumerist:

Tribute.

2008-09-11T13:32:00.001-04:00

This is hardly original; I've seen it around lots of places today. But it's worth watching.

Beyond words.

2008-09-10T17:42:00.001-04:00

From Gingerdead

I liked the cutoff sweatshirts too.

2008-09-04T13:42:00.001-04:00

One of my adolescent heroes:

]

Update: I can buy that shirt! Whoo!

Unconvincing

2008-09-04T10:12:00.001-04:00

Dear Sir,

I am not believing your "Killer Death Ride" sticker as affixed to your shiny white Vespa.

Sincerely,
a Dick

Recipes!

2008-09-03T17:01:00.003-04:00

I am not a food blogger (kind of a food blogger addict, though). However, I am emerging from an "everything I cook sucks" phase (everyone hits that patch every once in a while) to becoming a functioning home cook again. That phase is diabolical - it started weeks ago, with a lentil dish I'd made a hundred or more times, which ended up tasting odd and worsening with every attempted fix. Several other failed dishes followed, inexplicable and frustrating. Even my local falafel takeout - my go-to after a failed cooking venture requires cheap quick takeout to dispel - has changed hands and acquired a certain irredeemable dinginess.

I seem to be emerging, though, and have whipped up some delicious dishes lately I thought I'd share.

Imprecisely yours, the Lazy Gourmet.

Veggie Shepherd's Pie - convenience food heaven with the imprimateur of healthy.

1 bag Morningstar Farm veggie crumbles (frozen)
1/2 box or so of mixed vegetables (frozen) (I used peas and carrots)
about 1 cup pearl onions (frozen)
about 1/2 a large bottle of tomato juice or V-8 (trust me. Ever buy a bottle of V-8, have a few glasses, and realize you don't like it much?)
Worcestershire Sauce (dust it off, it's crucial)
Black pepper
2 cups prepared instant mashed potatoes (I use some brand in a small blue box - one envelope makes 2 cups - you don't even need milk even if the box tells you that you do.)
grated cheese (optional)

Preheat oven to 375.

Spray with nonstick spray a 9 inch square pan. Dump in the frozen goods. Pour in the juice. Season with black pepper. Stir. Shake in (I'd guesstimate about 6 good shakes) Worcestershire Sauce - the sauce should go brownish red at this point in the pan. Stir well to distribute sauce and veggies.

Spread mashed taters over the top. (Leftover would be fine, I'm sure). Aim for complete coverage. Sprinkle with cheese, or not.

Bake for 20-25 minutes until the top browns slightly and the sauce gets bubbly and pokes out around the edges.

Inelegant but tasty. Freezes and transports to work well!

Broccoli Ricotta Pesto Pasta

3 Cups steamed broccoli, more or less. (Ziploc steamer bags are a freaking miracle, trust me. Worth the price of admission, cause you won't cook those well-intentioned veggies otherwise)
1/3 c grated Parmesan cheese
1/2 c toasted walnuts
1 clove garlic
Zest of 1/2 lemon
Juice of 1 lemon
1/3 cup olive oil
Black pepper and salt
1 small container part-skim ricotta cheese
Your favorite pasta

Dump the steamed broccoli (cooked in bag or you can just boil it up until it's bright green but not soggy), cheese, nuts, garlic, lemon juice and zest into a food processor. Pulse until chopped fine. Turn on the processor and drizzle in the olive oil until you get a smoother paste (pesto - paste - get it?). You may need a little more oil. Season with black pepper and a little salt.

Cook up as much (I guess a box or less - I use very little) pasta as you like - but be sure to pull out 1 cup or so of cooking water before you drain it.

Now, you can be flexible in the assembly. Add some or all of your pesto to a big serving bowl. Stir in some hot pasta water, a little at a time, until the sauce is smooth. You may not need all of it. Now, add the ricotta cheese and the drained cooked pasta. Mix well. Add some pepper or lemon to taste. Enjoy! Also packs off to work and freezes well.

My Weird Comfort Food Soup

I make this an awful lot.

Lipton Ring o Noodle Soup
2 Eggs
Handful grated Parmesan, Romano or Asiago cheese

Cook up soup according to package directions. Beat the eggs with the cheese. Stir it into the boiling soup. Stir a bit until the egg is shredded and cooked.

Sunny day, chasing the clouds away....

2008-09-03T00:14:00.003-04:00

Sorry, but the Sesame Street theme just came up in my party shuffle. Party, indeed!

Janet told me this weekend, upon much caressing of her hot new iPod Touch, that she wasn't a "shuffle girl." That she liked whole albums, instead. That's OK. For me, it depends on my mood. Sometimes it's party shuffle, sometimes it's ten repetitions of Mitch Hedberg.

Joe Powers is in the hospital. If you don't know him, he's a sweet young comic who was in a terrible accident. Pray to whatever g-ds you do or don't believe in that he pulls through good and strong.

Can you tell me how to get? How to get to Sesame Street.

I had a lovely, lovely weekend in Chicago, for real. It wasn't just the getting away (which may have been nuts of me, given the short "whirlwind" trip and the fact that I leave for California this weekend). It was the complete and total dissolution of a sense of responsibility and decision making. And I can thank my lovely friends Janet and Ken for that, from picking me up at the el to gently depositing me at O'Hare full of pork omelette and giggles. We did tons of stuff, interspersed with some serious lumping around. I even slept better. I really needed to get the hell out of Dodge. Saw a benefit at the Old Town school (and ate free skordalia till I emanated garlic); hit the Taste of Polonia festival (an amazing fest of all things Polish. Sto lat!); went to a fantastic dance performance by the Breakbone Dance Company (perhaps inspiring me to get off my butt); and the traditional pre-airport Sunday brunch at Java Thai. And lots of nice, hard dozing and music-listening and cheese-snacking. I really needed that.

I don't have the speakers hooked up to my new mac mini, but the built in invisible ones don't really suck for my purposes. Nice!

I'm not tired anymore. Not much. A bit bouncier than I was an hour ago, perhaps. But otherwise OK.

It's so big!

2008-08-27T11:27:00.002-04:00

Even if you've never owned a broadsword, you still need one of these.

From http://www.cavalierattitude.com/:

Why am I so easily amused? I have no idea. I think I like the red and black one. I can use it to tote around my smaller friends. And their broadswords. Because my friends are tiny, vengeful armed trolls. It's not an insult. They are actual trolls. With broadswords.

Far, far more delicious.

2008-08-26T16:24:00.002-04:00

Unlike the tentacles that reared their ugly suckers here, the tentacles in my most recent soup purchase were delightful.

Seafood and Vegetable Noodle Soup from the spare-looking Chinese takeout on 60th between Park and Lexington. Rich and tasty with delicious seafood of all sorts - shrimp, squid, octopus, fish balls (not bad but not my favorite, and no, not what you're thinking - they're small fried up spheres of chopped fish) and crab stick (tastier than expected).

Note the tentatcles slyly peeping out from behind the water chestnuts and broccoli, nestled in a bed of egg noodle.

Light as a feather, flat as a board...

2008-08-24T22:39:00.003-04:00

Dear lady friends, PLEASE come on Tyra with me and discuss our breasts. Please, please, please.

(Although I realize that most of my demographic is 'dudes who know me' and who are also flattish-chested, I'm afraid you do not qualify.)

Casting Call Information
City: Any City
State: National

Are you flat chested and are envious of your friend/sister's breast size?
Do you have a large chest and wish you could trade with your petite friend?
Please email me or call me ASAP (please include a picture of both people involved)

Sign o' the (burrrrrppp) times

2008-08-22T13:16:00.002-04:00

Two youngish bros in dress shirts and ties (I'm guessing finance types) are in the Duane Reade in line in front of me. Each is carrying a case of Bud, Coors Lite, and a number of tallboys. They cheerfully avoid the well-meaning cashier's inquiry as to "what's the occassion," but they do advise him on how to properly bag said stash of cheap brew.

Here's the quiz: What's going on back at the office?

a) Just some genial summer merriment.
b) They can't afford the Whiskey Bar.
c) What do they care, they are so fired anyway.

They didn't even have any snacks. Times is tough.

Passive-aggressive poopery.

2008-08-21T11:11:00.005-04:00

I don't know about your office, but mine has a nicely equipped "poop stall." Everyone knows that the approved "poop stall" is the one furthest from the door, where you can retreat in solitude, outlast a few pee-ers, thumb through the Vagisil product warning and the back of the M&Ms label (all that fits into your purse; I don't have the man-balls sufficient to stride into the poop stall proudly with a copy of the Wall Street Journal tucked under my arm.) Our poop stall is outfitted like the others with a multitude of TP rolls, but also with a can of industrial-strength Country Breeze Lysol - my favorite! I like to shoot a tiny courtesy spray upwards in synch with the courtesy flush.

However, in the spirit of 21st century poop-upmanship and eco-whininess, someone has taken issue with the Lysol, herein and to wit:

Now, I don't usually carry a pen into the stall (unless it's in my bag with a roughly folded copy of "Diesel Sweeties" - shut up), but someone was clearly on a mission. Someone hates cans; someone hates Lysol; someone is afraid that the next banned-supertoxin is disguised under all those Country Breezes. I tell ya, someone had better lighten up, plz!

Lysol is our friend (and a character on a classic Chappelle's Show bit)!

I bet that person uses paper seat savers and groans when they detect poopery rather than just deal with life. I'd rather have a pleasant, germicidal Country Fresh experience, than you!

(submitted to passiveagressivenotes.com)

Things to do

2008-08-14T21:46:00.001-04:00

when you're tipsy:

Eat cheese and crackers
Make multiple corrections for typos
Amuse thyself

Things not to do:
Go out for sushi
Make phone calls.

Lesson for the ladies!

2008-08-14T00:13:00.001-04:00

When using spray on leg hair remover, and the can says leave on for 3 minutes, for heaven's sake, pay attention!

[picture of raw scabrous legs]

1970s retail joy!

2008-08-07T13:30:00.001-04:00

Thanks, Argyris!

We ARE the champions!

2008-08-06T14:48:00.002-04:00

Queen founder Brian May finished his PhD in astrophysics after a 30 year break.

Here's the tome:

http://www.springer.com/astronomy/book/978-0-387-77705-4

How cool is that?

New York City lunchtime marginalia

2008-08-06T13:48:00.000-04:00

1. If you're feeling a bit lonely on a summer's day, try incorporating a molded-cup bra that may be a wee bit too small in the cups into your wardrobe. Instant friends on the street!

2. If you're a guy, the white man-capris with the drawstrings at the legs may not have been your best fashion choice. However, the upside-down lettering on your ass pushed it over the edge.

3. Avoid all delis that have dry panini on display. Instead, head to the Chinese steam-table takeout and noodle shop tucked away on 60th between Park and Lex. Ridiculously tasty and inexpensive to boot.

Moderation knows no bounds.

2008-08-05T14:24:00.002-04:00

"I'm going to put a to do list on your tombstone."
- The Ex-Husband

You know, this is the funniest thing I'd heard all day (or at least the second-funniest), but it's probably the most accurate.

My approach to life is often a bit extreme. I mean, it's not like I go hurtling down mountains intentionally or anything but I tend to push it.

For example, my exercise "program" (as it were):

Warm up: Start exercising
Exercise: Work out until dizzy, strange and near-puking
Cool down: Do a few more exercises

Repeat for a few weeks until legs are permanently wobbly, tendinitis sets in, and you are close to requiring intravenous fluids. Take a few weeks off. Wallow in self-loathing. Buy a new ill-fitting sports bra.

Repeat.

I'm not alone in this, but it's probably not the wisest course of action.

Moderation, where art thou?

For those who don't know me

2008-08-04T11:18:00.001-04:00

(although that rules out 99% of the readers of this blog, although they may be amused by the following)

I am pretty much the exact opposite of this.

this blog is getting way too Tumblrish...

2008-08-02T00:42:00.002-04:00

but at any rate, here's some more videos to amuse you until I become witty again!

These ones I made.

Yeah.

Here comes the......what the eff?

2008-08-01T23:12:00.001-04:00

The creepiest ebay listing ever.

Detective Howard!

2008-07-31T10:33:00.000-04:00

The totally underrated Melissa Leo - AV Club interview.

I've got another blog!

2008-07-30T16:02:00.001-04:00

September is Sketch Writing Month.

30 Sketches, 30 Days, No Apologies.

Check it out.

Magic indeed!

2008-07-28T12:26:00.002-04:00

From r stevens (creator of Diesel Sweeties, the best strip ever). I'll try to put in the actual youtube clip later, but if you know me, this would've been a near-perfect storm of evening entertainment.

Enjoy more soy!

2008-07-28T06:16:00.001-04:00

From Cha Xiu Ba

5-6-7-8

2008-07-27T00:38:00.004-04:00

I just bought and watched the movie version of "Chicago." Yeah, I'm a few years late to the party, but I loooved the stage version and I looooved the soundtrack (with the late late Jerry Orbach). But hell, this is a fun film! And damn, but if I had Catherine Zeta-Jones' body...hell, a girl's gotta dream. Watching her (pretty great) and Renee Zellweger (no slouch) sing and dance, it was pretty clear that Catherine's a dancer and Renee's an actress who is dancing. Does that sound performer-snobby? Oh well, it's my blog. I just notice that I'm rambling. Renee Zellweger looks a wee bit gaunt. I just realized that I sang (badly) the entire film. Richard Gere is delightful. And am I the only one who thought it was a hoot that the role played by a drag queen on Broadway is played by Christine Baranski in the movie?

I wish I could sing. Or dance. Or both, at the same time!

Preferably in a 1930s-era musical.

Jazz hands. Seriously.

mmmmmm!

2008-07-24T22:29:00.001-04:00

Chef Cooks 'Dream Omelet' From Recipe That Came To Him In A Dream

Nerd Alert: High

2008-07-22T14:03:00.002-04:00

If these don't make you ooh and aah, then there's nothing more I can do for you.

Star Wars Flash Drives

Almost famous?

2008-07-17T17:10:00.000-04:00

Received today via my web site:

Dear Michelle,

I'm a collector of autographs. I have more than 3.800 authentic autographs of politicians, sportsmen, artists and authors from around the world.

Therefore, I would ask you if you would be so kind to send me an autographed photo of you
(or your autograph on a piece of paper with some words written down).
I will be very delighted to got your autograph in my personal collection.

Anyway, thank you very much, and may God bless you and your family.

With warm greetings from Belgium.

Uh what to do, what to do?

Fashion based reality TV is ruin my mind, no?

2008-07-17T14:41:00.003-04:00

(I have adopted the accent of Francesca Fiore, so yes, the above title is correct.)

Things I want, in an abstract way:

1. DVF wrap dress
2. An amusing Betsey Johnson dress.
3. Christian Loubotin pumps.
4. Kate Spade bags.

Of the above, I may break down on 4 (which, I might add, will not cause me to fall, look like a sausage, or empty my bank account). The rest are clearly high and outside.

Bunnies!

2008-07-16T16:46:00.000-04:00

30 second bunnies.

stuff that made me happy yesterday (mush alert)

2008-07-16T16:19:00.000-04:00

a long shower
cantonese roast pork noodle soup with a fine gentleman
haagen daz frozen yogurt sorbet pop, raspberry
watching the HOFers at the all-star game with my mom
my mom
warm weather and set trailers abounds
the smell of pierogies and summer in the air
a relatively sane kitty
a couple dozen roses
a whole lotta post it notes
even more post-it notes
sleep.

World's Most Inane Blog Meme, or What to do when Insomnia Strikes

2008-07-10T02:40:00.002-04:00

1. Name three songs you sing when you think no one is listening.

2. Favorite cheese?

3. Favorite informercial?

4. Jammies, undies, tshirt, nightie or nothing?

5. What celebrity would you sleep with in a heartbeat, even if you knew that a photographer from Us Weekly was poised outside your window to take a fuzzy photo of your naked butt?

6. Beer, wine or sangria?

7. Favorite refrigerator magnet?

8. Would you ever eat an unsugared grapefruit?

9. Most recent QVC purchase? If so, what? If not, why?

10. Favorite art supply?

11. SPF?

Enjoy. I'm not bothering to tag anyone but if you're up at this hour, hey, go to town. Feel free to post answers in the comments if you're blogless.

snort

2008-07-10T02:09:00.002-04:00

If I could write a comic, I'd wish it was Diesel Sweeties.

Postscript

2008-07-09T10:27:00.002-04:00

He also spanks cats.

Hi, I have a boyfriend.

2008-07-08T23:31:00.002-04:00

Did you know that?

I feel like I'm slowly emerging from the long-distance relationship closet, now that there may be a plan in place to make it not so.

I wonder if the people who may be vaguely intrigued by this will find it.

Nah.

He's tall, dark and goofy. I love him lots. He really exists, and owns lots of shoes. He likes my cooking and thinks I'm adorable. He is capable of cheering me up against my will. Turn-ons: leggy dames, video games, pastrami on rye (Sorry for the lack of a third rhyme.) Turn-offs: rare steak, polo shirts, lack of leg room. (Given up on rhymes). And more! He likes stuff I do (flea markets, otters, being goofy) and he likes stuff I'm not into (strategy games, comic cons, drawing). He has an unmistakably awesome laugh. He willingly accepts comedy foisted upon him. He likes giving random presents. He has the capacity to surprise me.

Anyway, that's him in a bloggy nutshell.

Hugs!

bucket of truth

2008-07-07T18:20:00.002-04:00

my stomach is sore
i am sipping lime snapple
i am still on crutches
i have actual work to do
i am out of cup o soup
i had two tiny bags of potato chips and one last cup o soup for lunch
my mom is in recovery room doing relatively swell

and...

i am wearing a baggy pink sweater over said boob-framing blouse.

meh.

i require more cup o soup. now.

the bucket of barf list

2008-07-07T10:41:00.000-04:00

my stomach is bleeding
i didn't sleep until 430 AM
i had weird dreams about getting remarried, then hanging out with the supreme court justices for lunch
i am on crutches today
my office is about 60 degrees
i have a raging headache but can't really take anything for it
i am running dangerously low on cup o soup
my mom is in the hospital awaiting major surgery
and...
my stupid brand-new blouse is bra-revealing.

feh.

can't be bothered to post properly

2008-07-07T03:03:00.002-04:00

click here

I Want Delicious Eczema-Free Candy!

2008-07-02T16:56:00.002-04:00

Sometimes the law of the land is adorable. And delicious!

What I'm reading right now:

Not all candy is pulled, but much of it is. The process is first the mixture of the ingredients, then the boiling, then the cooling on a slab, and then the pulling. After boiling and cooling, it is a compact mass of dark color. The pulling aerates it and makes it less in weight but larger in bulk, lighter in color and more capable of holding flavor. Until the beginning of this century, candy was pulled only by hand. It required much strength. Candy pullers were hard to get. The work was strenuous and produced perspiration and uncleanliness. It was done with the
bare hands, and it was impossible to avoid danger from eczema and abrasions of the skin of the hands. It was neither appetizing nor sanitary. A good candy puller pull 300 pounds of candy a day. The capacity of the large machines now in use is 2 1/2 tons each, and one man can attend to two machines. Thus since 1900, the art has advanced from a production of 300 pounds a day to 10,000 pounds, with the same labor.

Hildreth v. Mastoras, 257 U.S. 27 (1921), Chief Justice Taft (yes, Taft) writing for the Court.

Not nearly as delicious.

2008-06-26T15:17:00.003-04:00

How many things are wrong with this lunch?

"Seafood Bisque" from the Food Merchants deli down the street.

Ok.

First of all, "Seafood." Not clam, or crab, or lobster. Should give one pause, right? But it appears pink and bisquey.

Second. The reason it's probably pink is because of the massive amounts of cayenne pepper. Not the stomach-soother I was hoping form.

Third. Octopus.

When consuming lunch from a Midtown deli, one should not be confronted with tentacles.

I love octopus, but only from trusted sources. Not a bottomless pinkish vat at the Food Merchant.

I don't feel so hot.

Delicious!

2008-06-20T15:02:00.002-04:00

Thanks, Karla, for my going-away present from the old job!

Mine have pineapple flavor too!

Seriously, I like these better than chocolate.

I am working very hard.

2008-06-18T19:27:00.003-04:00

But check this out - hacking coffee machines!

And the presence of this in my office makes me a wee bit giddy. (I put it up and several people have copied it. It's a particularly detailed one.)

Web Elements

Nerd.

This "Next Food Network Star" finalist....

2008-06-13T17:42:00.001-04:00

...is clearly a Romulan.

Look at the eyebrows. Look at the way hairdo hides her ears. It's obvious.

For this reason alone, I hope she wins.

This will have to hold you till I work up the steam to write more stuff.

2008-06-12T10:39:00.001-04:00

SCORPIO [October 23–November 21] Danny Anderson was out feeding his horses in Prosser, Washington, when a rattlesnake slithered into the barn. Anderson took a shovel and decapitated it—but when he reached down to pick up the severed head a few minutes later, it came back to life just long enough to bite him. Luckily, Anderson was fine after a trip to the hospital to receive anti-venom treatment. The metaphorical moral of the story, Scorpio: When your brave efforts finally eliminate a threat, don't get overconfident or let your guard down until you're absolutely, positively sure that it's gone.

From Free Will Astrology.

Name this photo...

2008-05-21T12:04:00.002-04:00

of a deep fried White Castle burger. Personally I'm at a loss for words. From Grocery Eats.

Not that I'm materialistic...

2008-05-19T16:04:00.000-04:00

but damn, their boyfriends bought them some quality goods!

Ex-Boyfriend Jewelry

Men in plaid.

2008-05-19T01:15:00.002-04:00

What I learned at Family Court.

2008-05-18T22:26:00.002-04:00

When boys fight, a great deal of it is about posturing and marking one's proverbial territory.

When girls fight, it's all about destruction.

Boys go for the body. Girls go for the face. Boys prefer fists. Girls prefer sharp objects. Boys will tangle. Girls will slash.

Why is this relevant, you may ask?

I am one telegenic fattte!

2008-05-18T16:51:00.002-04:00

Joy! It's Fattie Day on Discovery Health! It's the 627 pound woman, the morbidly obese teenager, the fattest man, and plastic surgery galore! Watch the skin fly! I plan on tucking into a steaming plate of chicken enchiladas in front of the telly before the night is through. Yum-o!

I am one colossally bored and saline fattie.

2008-05-14T17:01:00.006-04:00

Before I make another Cup O'Soup, before I read about construction liens, and before I wander off into thought about how pathetic my creative life is at the moment, I'm going to post pictures of Images From my Phone:

1. Empire State Building, the King Kong Ascendant Night View:

2. Adorable Nephew, or Highly Effective Mother's Day Decoy, Tompkins Square:

3. Pom juice handed out by girls dressed as pomegranates, if pomegranetes wore black tshirts and pants and lumpy magenta felt:

I am one broke-down fattie.

2008-05-04T11:36:00.002-04:00

Whine, whine, whine. That's what sucking down horse-choking antibiotics and associated goodies will do to ya. My delicate constitution is revolting, as am I (as a result of my delicate constitution revolting-verb, making me revolting-adjective. Got that, grammar fans?) I am exhausted, thirsty and not as functional as I'd like to be (lots of highly necessary domestic tasks falling by the wayside as I 'lounge' on the sofa attempting to crochet a horse which looks like a pregnant fish.)

The only thing amusing me at the moment is flipping between Reality Shows of Thing I Would Not Like to Attempt, including Project Runway, America's Next Top Model, and my new besties at Cheerleader U.

These girls and boys are Very Serious about cheerleading. The only person on the show with a sense of humor is the slyly masochistic trainer who loves dunking the kiddies into a 50-degree cold pool post-practice. Her, I like. The rest are Very Serious Indeed.

I'm going to have a nice bowl of acceptable herbal tea (Yogi brand Chai, without the syrupy nastiness of 'chai lattes') with some soymilk (just sweet enough). Otherwise, avert your gaze from me at all costs, or you will turn into a pile of ick.

I am one veiny fattie!

2008-05-02T13:48:00.002-04:00

Man, that sounds gross! But, a pattern is a pattern and it's not time to break it yet.

The point is, I went to get some blood drawn today, and the nurse told me my veins were 'great' as opposed to 'terrible.' Great meaning 'not buried under ten layers of flab.'

McNulty! D'oh!

2008-05-01T16:34:00.002-04:00

The Wire cast as Simpsons characters.