8/27/08

It's so big!

Even if you've never owned a broadsword, you still need one of these.

From http://www.cavalierattitude.com/:



Why am I so easily amused? I have no idea. I think I like the red and black one. I can use it to tote around my smaller friends. And their broadswords. Because my friends are tiny, vengeful armed trolls. It's not an insult. They are actual trolls. With broadswords.

8/26/08

Far, far more delicious.

Unlike the tentacles that reared their ugly suckers here, the tentacles in my most recent soup purchase were delightful.

Seafood and Vegetable Noodle Soup from the spare-looking Chinese takeout on 60th between Park and Lexington. Rich and tasty with delicious seafood of all sorts - shrimp, squid, octopus, fish balls (not bad but not my favorite, and no, not what you're thinking - they're small fried up spheres of chopped fish) and crab stick (tastier than expected).

Note the tentatcles slyly peeping out from behind the water chestnuts and broccoli, nestled in a bed of egg noodle.

8/24/08

Light as a feather, flat as a board...

Dear lady friends, PLEASE come on Tyra with me and discuss our breasts. Please, please, please.

(Although I realize that most of my demographic is 'dudes who know me' and who are also flattish-chested, I'm afraid you do not qualify.)

Casting Call Information
City: Any City
State: National

Are you flat chested and are envious of your friend/sister's breast size?
Do you have a large chest and wish you could trade with your petite friend?
Please email me or call me ASAP (please include a picture of both people involved)

8/22/08

Sign o' the (burrrrrppp) times

Two youngish bros in dress shirts and ties (I'm guessing finance types) are in the Duane Reade in line in front of me. Each is carrying a case of Bud, Coors Lite, and a number of tallboys. They cheerfully avoid the well-meaning cashier's inquiry as to "what's the occassion," but they do advise him on how to properly bag said stash of cheap brew.

Here's the quiz: What's going on back at the office?

a) Just some genial summer merriment.
b) They can't afford the Whiskey Bar.
c) What do they care, they are so fired anyway.

They didn't even have any snacks. Times is tough.

8/21/08

Passive-aggressive poopery.

I don't know about your office, but mine has a nicely equipped "poop stall." Everyone knows that the approved "poop stall" is the one furthest from the door, where you can retreat in solitude, outlast a few pee-ers, thumb through the Vagisil product warning and the back of the M&Ms label (all that fits into your purse; I don't have the man-balls sufficient to stride into the poop stall proudly with a copy of the Wall Street Journal tucked under my arm.) Our poop stall is outfitted like the others with a multitude of TP rolls, but also with a can of industrial-strength Country Breeze Lysol - my favorite! I like to shoot a tiny courtesy spray upwards in synch with the courtesy flush.

However, in the spirit of 21st century poop-upmanship and eco-whininess, someone has taken issue with the Lysol, herein and to wit:



Now, I don't usually carry a pen into the stall (unless it's in my bag with a roughly folded copy of "Diesel Sweeties" - shut up), but someone was clearly on a mission. Someone hates cans; someone hates Lysol; someone is afraid that the next banned-supertoxin is disguised under all those Country Breezes. I tell ya, someone had better lighten up, plz!

Lysol is our friend (and a character on a classic Chappelle's Show bit)!

I bet that person uses paper seat savers and groans when they detect poopery rather than just deal with life. I'd rather have a pleasant, germicidal Country Fresh experience, than you!

(submitted to passiveagressivenotes.com)

8/14/08

Things to do

when you're tipsy:

Eat cheese and crackers
Make multiple corrections for typos
Amuse thyself

Things not to do:
Go out for sushi
Make phone calls.

Lesson for the ladies!

When using spray on leg hair remover, and the can says leave on for 3 minutes, for heaven's sake, pay attention!

[picture of raw scabrous legs]

8/6/08

We ARE the champions!

Queen founder Brian May finished his PhD in astrophysics after a 30 year break.

Here's the tome:

http://www.springer.com/astronomy/book/978-0-387-77705-4

How cool is that?

New York City lunchtime marginalia

1. If you're feeling a bit lonely on a summer's day, try incorporating a molded-cup bra that may be a wee bit too small in the cups into your wardrobe. Instant friends on the street!

2. If you're a guy, the white man-capris with the drawstrings at the legs may not have been your best fashion choice. However, the upside-down lettering on your ass pushed it over the edge.

3. Avoid all delis that have dry panini on display. Instead, head to the Chinese steam-table takeout and noodle shop tucked away on 60th between Park and Lex. Ridiculously tasty and inexpensive to boot.

8/5/08

Moderation knows no bounds.

"I'm going to put a to do list on your tombstone."
- The Ex-Husband

You know, this is the funniest thing I'd heard all day (or at least the second-funniest), but it's probably the most accurate.

My approach to life is often a bit extreme. I mean, it's not like I go hurtling down mountains intentionally or anything but I tend to push it.

For example, my exercise "program" (as it were):

Warm up: Start exercising
Exercise: Work out until dizzy, strange and near-puking
Cool down: Do a few more exercises

Repeat for a few weeks until legs are permanently wobbly, tendinitis sets in, and you are close to requiring intravenous fluids. Take a few weeks off. Wallow in self-loathing. Buy a new ill-fitting sports bra.

Repeat.

I'm not alone in this, but it's probably not the wisest course of action.

Moderation, where art thou?

8/4/08

For those who don't know me

(although that rules out 99% of the readers of this blog, although they may be amused by the following)

I am pretty much the exact opposite of this.

8/2/08

this blog is getting way too Tumblrish...

but at any rate, here's some more videos to amuse you until I become witty again!

These ones I made.

Yeah.